Pathetic ''Soldier'' Sailormoon
by Immora
Summary: The Senshi deviate from their script when the almighty Outer Senshi show up.
1. Episode I

Pathetic "Soldier" Sailormoon by Immora ********************************************************************** 

Author's Notes: 

Okay, okay, I know this fic kinda pokes fun at Sailormoon, but I just felt like doing it for the heck of it. It's not that I hate the show; it's my favorite. I just felt like doing something different from the more serious stuff I write. 

You should know by now the usual disclaimers, so I'm not going to bother saying them again. There are references in this fic to a some different movies, books, etc., so if you aren't worthy enough to have seen/read them, you don't deserve to know where they are from! J/K, but if you haven't seen/read them, you won't get it. 

This story is written in script format rather than a more novel-type format. 

To understand what's written: 

BOB: Ladeedoodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle." BOB (sighing): Ladeedoodle. = Bob sighed, and said "Ladeedoodle." [BOB merrily ladeedoodled before falling over] = Describing how Bob ladeedoodled until he fell over. All names in a description (and before words) are in capitals for no apparent reason. BOB V.O.: Ladeedoodle. = Bob isn't onscreen, but you hear him say "Ladeedoodle" as clearly as he would if there. BOB: La_dee_doodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" with the "dee" syllable emphasized. The _ _ basically denotes underlining, and underlining in writing means you would italicize when typing it up. BOB: Ladeedoodle *groan*. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" and groaned. A groan is not something you can write out... how often do you see "ermmmnn" written in instead of "groan"? * * around a vocalization means it is something that can't just be written out. BOB: LaAAADdeeEeeDoOooDdllLlEeee. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle," his pitch changing back and forth and his volume as well as he spoke. BOB: Laaaaadeedoodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" with the "La" syllable very long. BOB: LADEEDOODLE. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" very loudly; not the same as emphasizing. 

Well, that should clear things up, right? 

Check out my website, The World of Immora: http://www.crosswinds.net/japan/~immora/index.html 

Have fun reading the story... oh yes, to all non-Outer Senshi fans: you suck, and you won't enjoy this fic. 

********************************************************************** 

[Intro to the episode, with the usual music] 

[The SAILOR SENSHI are sitting there with blank looks] 

MOON V.O.: Today on Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon, we all sit for a long time, and talk, and talk, and talk, and get attacked, and talk some more, and then we talk again, and we-- 

[V.O. and music abruptly cuts off with a loud POW! sound] 

[SAILOR SENSHI are all smiling broadly now] 

PLUTO V.O.: Okay, since I'm a MUCH cooler Senshi than Moon, _I_'ll do the introduction for this episode. 

[SENSHI start applauding as music starts up again] 

PLUTO V.O.: Today on "Pathetic 'Senshi' Sailormoon", as I will affectionately call it since she's NOT pretty and she is so NOT senshi except for in name, people die... 

[clips of some explosions] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... worship the Outer Senshi, as everyone should... 

[clips of INNER SENSHI, MAMORU, and the CATS chanting "We're not worthy" to a triumph group of OUTER SENSHI] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... wonder when Haruka and Michiru will _finally_ lock lips onscreen.... 

[clips of HARUKA and MICHIRU coming _thiiiis_ close to kissing, then pulling away, then trying again, then sighing irritably] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... and faces the strangest enemies of all, the Sailor Losers! 

[silhouettes of strange looking Senshi flash on the screen] 

PLUTO V.O.: So stick around, or I'll beat you over the head with my Time Key. You really don't want that, do you? 

[fade out] 

[A T.V. PRODUCER of some sort is standing there with a nervous look on his face] 

T.V. PRODUCER: Er, we apologize for this brief interruption, but the animators at Toei misplaced the stock footage for the opening animation, and we lost the recording of Moonlight Densetsu and no one around here seems to own any Sailormoon CDs, so we'll just have to forget about that. It's not my fault. Really, it isn't. 

[someone off camera throws a large shoe at his head, knocking him unconscious] 

SOMEONE ELSE'S V.O.: Ahem... since we are missing the footage... we have a handpuppet show brought to you by... uh, Chibi-Usa... and Usagi is going to wail-- I mean, sing... a lovely little rendition of Moonlight Densetsu for us... Um, hit it, girls... 

[a light shines on a wall, and some handpuppets appear doing all sorts of stuff while a girl shouts out a song] 

USAGI (singing to the tune of Moonlight Densetsu): I'm sorry, but I can't stop whining If I were to stop it would be a dream Before my brain cells are more shorted I wish to wail more now 

It seems to be crying, the moonlight Since I won't shutup till midnight I do not know what to do about my stupidness What the hell is a kaleidascope? 

I'm tripping and falling on my face I'm going to start crying again You don't need Rei's powers to predict That my life will always suck How could I not cry?, a miracle I'm still around, a miracle I'm still around 

SOMEONE ELSE'S (V.O.): Ummm.... thank you... girls... 

WAY TOO HYPER ANNOUNCER V.O.: And now, on with the show! 

[Screen flashes all sorts of colors and the episode title appears] 

MOON V.O.: THIS JOB SUCKS! SAILOR TEAM IGNORES THE SCRIPT! 

[shot of the Hikawa Shrine's sign; some birds are flying around and the sun is shining brightly] 

[Moving to the front of the shrine, we see REI is in her priestess robes, sweeping] 

REI (grumbling): Why can't Yuuichirou-kun do this? I'm too cool to bother myself with such menial tasks. 

[AMI walks up, holding a large text book, wearing reading glasses, a white shirt, a black vest, and blue pants.] 

AMI: Hello, Rei-chan. I see you're sweeping. 

REI (whispering): Do you always have to state the obvious? I mean, a real genius wouldn't feel the need to point that out. 

AMI (whispering): I know, I know, it's in the script, okay? It sucks, I know, but we're getting paid to do this, after all. 

REI (whispering): Yeah well--Oh! Right! The script! Forgot about that! 

REI (in normal voice again): Yeah, I really am tired of it. Want to help so I can get done quicker? 

AMI: No, thank you, I've got to finish this whole text book by 3:00 or I'll only be five semesters ahead of everyone in the known universe. 

[REI sweatdrops] 

REI: Um... okay... 

[A big WHOOSH! and a puff of dust goes by, then there's a loud screech as it comes to a halt. Standing in the middle of the clearing dust is an insanely giggling MINAKO, dressed in an orange sundress with a white shirt under it, a frantic looking ARTEMIS clinging to her shoulder] 

ARTEMIS: Help... me... save me from... Mina-chan... 

MINAKO (really fast): Hey Ami-chan hey Rei-chan guess what guess what guess what? I just had waayyyyy too much sugar and I'm really really hyper okay okay okay?! 

[REI and AMI sweatdrop] 

AMI (whispering): I can see this is going to be one of those stories where our personality traits are wildly exaggerated. 

REI (whispering): Shhh! The audience'll hear you! 

MINAKO: Hey Rei-chan Rei-chan Rei-chaaaaan, I want to sweep toooo! 

[MINAKO grabs a broom, whooshes by, ARTEMIS getting thrown off her in the process, while she is kicking up a huge cloud of dirt, and suddenly the temple is sparkling clean] 

MINAKO: So what are we going to do now? 

[There's a long silence as sweatdrops appear again] 

REI: I'm surprised my hair isn't limp from all these sweatdrops. 

AMI: I'm not. We're just ink and paint, remember? Sweat doesn't affect our hair, so it will always be as voluminous as ever, much more than is possible for real hair to be under normal circumstances. 

REI: Oh, right. 

ARTEMIS (groaning): I landed on my head... ow ow ow... 

AMI: Don't worry, Artemis, I'm sure there will be no significant damage to your brain. If there is, well... no one should know the difference. 

ARTEMIS (drily): Thanks for the compliment. 

[REI brushes a bit of dirt off her robes and straightens her hair] 

REI: Say, Ami-chan, you're the know-it-all around here, and you've got that wacky computer and visor thingy, maybe _you_ can answer this question... 

AMI: Sure, what is it? 

[REI has one of those expressions where her eyes are closed, her lip is incredibly curved, streams of tears going down her face as she holds a handerchief to her cheek] 

REI: Please, tell me, why did they give me black hair in the anime when it would have looked perfectly nice if they kept it purple, just like it was in the manga! 

[MAKOTO pops in out of nowhere, in a long-sleeved blue shirt and a long lavender skirt] 

MAKOTO: And have you noticed that in the manga, the antenna on my tiara is usually raised when I'm in Senshi form? Why'd they change that? 

AMI: Oh, hello, Mako-chan. 

REI: Hi, Mako-chan. 

ARTEMIS: Hey. 

MINAKO: Yo, wuzzup, Mako-chan? 

MAKOTO (whispering): What's wrong with Mina-chan? I thought the script said she was going to say "Hello" to me. 

AMI (whispering): I think she's decided to take-off on the script and do whatever she wants. That, and the fact that she's had a lot of sugar. 

MAKOTO (whispering): In that case, could I-- 

[The DIRECTOR pops his head in] 

DIRECTOR: HEY!! There is a SCRIPT to follow! Stop all these side comments! 

[DIRECTOR leaves when everyone sweatdrops, seeing that they get the picture] 

[AMI pulls out her computer and starts typing really fast] 

[EVERYONE ELSE peers over her shoulder] 

EVERONE ELSE: Oooo... flashing lights... 

AMI: I'm sorry, Rei-chan, Mako-chan... My computer can't determine why the change was made. Perhaps there was no logical reason for it, therefore it could not be determined. 

REI: *sigh* Oh well, I guess I'll never know. 

[USAGI and CHIBI-USA walk up, USAGI in white overalls with a pink shirt, CHIBI-USA in a short purple dress, Luna and Diana tailing along] 

USAGI: Hi, everyone! I heard what you were saying, and I think I might actually have a solution to the problem! 

[EVERYONE ELSE gasps in shock, looks of horror on their faces] 

MINAKO: Usagi-chan... b-but... You're supposed to be a ditz, just like me! 

MAKOTO: You aren't supposed to be capable of coming up with a solution! 

AMI: _I_ am the one that comes up with the answers around here! 

ARTEMIS, LUNA, and DIANA: Say it isn't so! 

REI: Aw, forget it, we all know it'll be some stupid idea that won't work anyways! 

[REI and CHIBI-USA both nod rapidly] 

USAGI (whining): HEY!!! I'm the leader! And I'm the princess!! Don't you guys have _any_ faith in me?! 

[EVERYONE ELSE thinks about it a moment] 

EVERYONE ELSE: Nope. 

[USAGI starts bawling huge tears] 

USAGI: B-but it was a _good_ idea! 

[EVERYONE ELSE sweatdrops... again] 

MAKOTO: Ehehehe... er, why don't you tell us your idea then, Usagi- chan... 

[USAGI immediately stops crying and grins broadly] 

USAGI: Why don't we just ask the animators to color us differently? I mean, we make script changes all the time, why not paint changes? 

[Everything goes into blue tones and crows fly by in the background, and it's dead quiet. USAGI just stands there looking quizzical while the others have varied expressions; mouths dropped open, wide eyes, looks of fear, etc.] 

[Things go back to normal] 

AMI: I-It could work... 

MINAKO: That's a-actually a pretty good idea... 

[REI starts screaming, grabs USAGI's overall straps and starts shaking her like mad] 

REI (shouting): YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE GOOD IDEAS!!! 

[REI keeps repeating that while USAGI starts crying again] 

USAGI (repeating over and over): It's not my fault! 

CHIBI-USA: What's happening to our little world? Usagi-chan is saying things that make _sense_! 

DIANA: Maybe Usagi-sama fell on her head. 

ARTEMIS: Just like I did earlier? 

AMI: No, when you fell on your head, it probably made you stupider. She's saying that perhaps a blow to her head temporarily jarred her ditziness enough for her to make statements that had some relevancy. 

LUNA: Hello, I haven't had a line yet to myself yet, and I just want to throw one in while I can. 

DIANA: What does that have to do with anything? 

LUNA: This is a parody fic, remember? It doesn't have to make sense. Besides, you know who the author is, don't you? She never makes that much sense. 

[A ton of people dressed in armor suddenly race by doing a sort of skip, some of them clapping together coconuts to imitate the sounds of horses galloping. A group of priests trails behind him] 

PRIESTS: Piea esu domi ne... donna nobis requiem... 

[they pause to smack boards against their faces] 

[They disappear in the distance, with the sounds of coconuts, chanting, and face smacking lingering behind them.] 

LUNA: Like that. That had _nothing_ to do with the story. That was a Monty Python and the Holy Grail thing. 

DIANA: Fanfiction is so complicated. 

DIRECTOR V.O.: SCRIPT please! You're getting paid to follow it, remember? And more _enthusiasm_! C'mon, give us a cheer! 

ALL: Yay. 

DIRECTOR V.O.: Could use a little work... ah well. We're just in this for the money, who cares about quality? 

A BUNCH OF PRODUCTION PEOPLE: Money money money money money... 

AUTHOR: Boo. Aren't you scared? I'm the author. Yay. Isn't my fic making little or no sense? 

ALL: No sense at all. 

AUTHOR: Good. Ah, well, um, back to the story... yeah, that's it. 

[REI and USAGI are still arguing] 

MINAKO (giggling): Think we should stop them? 

EVERYONE ELSE: No. 

[Finally, REI drops USAGI and calmly sits down. USAGI gets up and just stands there] 

MAKOTO: So... what now? 

CHIBI-USA (whispering): Anybody have the script with them? I can't remember my lines. 

USAGI (whispering): That's because you're too stupid to remember them. There's some cue cards over there. 

[CHIBI-USA looks over off the camera, presumably at the cue cards, squinting to read them] 

[a really muscular, tall guy in armor, with long brown hair, suddenly runs over and drop kicks CHIBI-USA, and a scrawny guy behind him with gold skin and hourglass eyes, wearing black robes, starts waving a crystal ball tipped staff and saying all sorts of mumbo-jumbo] 

REI: Whoa cool... weird ass stuff. Weirder than my Shinto mumbo-jumbo. 

[CHIBI-USA burns up in a puff of smoke] 

CARAMON (whining): But Raistlin, she was just a little kid-- 

RAISTLIN (exasperated): She was EVIL, you big oaf, even more evil than ME {if that's possible}! Besides, _you_ hurt her too, you drop-kicked her! 

[RAISTLIN bops CARAMON on the head with his staff, then they disappear] 

LUNA: And that was from...??? 

AMI: Dragonlance. One of the author's favorite book series. And Raistlin is her favorite character, so he got the honor of killing the Chibi. 

LUNA: Oh. 

MINAKO: I wonder what the cue card said, anyways. 

USAGI: "Keep looking at this card so everyone's dream can come true." 

DIANA: Does anybody care that Chibi-Usa-chan just incinerated in a freak accident? 

EVERYONE ELSE: Nope. 

USAGI: Wanna celebrate? 

[Everyone waves little flags and says "Yay, yay", just like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail] 

[And speaking of Holy Grails...] 

MAKOTO: Where are the Outer Senshi at? 

MINAKO: Why do you ask? 

MAKOTO: Ah... (whispering) It's in the script, okay?! That's why! 

AMI: Well, if we plug in this figure on the chart, and I use my visor to scan in a north-east direction, and replace the value y in this equation with the infinity symbol, then (blah blah blah blah blah) 

[after a few minutes of technobabble] 

AMI: ... According to this, we can safely assume they are not here at Hikawa Shrine. 

[EVERYONE ELSE falls over] 

REI: You needed a computer to tell you that?! 

DIANA (whispering): The script! It's in the script! 

MAKOTO (whispering): You'd think everyone would realize by now that any unexplainable dialogue is a result of the silly script! 

REI: Well, we could always put the animators to the test and tell them to send in the Outer Senshi. 

DIRECTOR V.O.: Script, please? 

USAGI: Ooo! And we can test my theory about-- 

LUNA: Yeah, yeah, we know. 

ARTEMIS: We'll all pass out if we hear you repeat it. We just can't handle it when you say things that-- 

DIRECTOR V.O.: Script! 

ARTEMIS: Hold on, sheesh! As I was saying, we just can't handle it when you say things that make sense. 

DIRECTOR: Script? 

USAGI: Right... Ooo, and we can ask them to send Mamo-chan with them so I can hang all over him and babble like an idiot the way I always do! 

USAGI (thinking to herself): I really hate this script. I sound like more of an airhead than I really am. Not that I am not an airhead, but this... oooh, my head hurts from all this thinking... 

REI: We should tell the animators to draw them the correct way. Y'know, give Haruka-san the right hair and eye colors, Michiru-san the right hair length, Setsuna-san the more-green-less-black hair color, that sort of thing. 

MINAKO: And Hotaru-chan should be older again. In continuity, she's a cute little kid, but suddenly I'm sick of little kids. I don't want to see more little kids. No more little kids. We got rid of one, now we must-- 

ARTEMIS: Shut up, Mina-chan. 

MINAKO: --shut up... Alright, I'll do that. 

[MAKOTO walks off camera to have a talk with the animators, and after the sounds of arguing, some punching, and some frantic drawing, painting, and writing later, she returns] 

MAKOTO: Alright, everyone, the Outers--and Mamoru--should be added in shortly. 

EVERYONE ELSE: Yay. 

[MAMORU enters first, in his usual black shirt, green jacket, and gray-blue pants... you know, his dork garb, or does that apply to all his clothes?... Anyways... USAGI immediately races over and gives him an enormous hug] 

USAGI: Mamo-chan! Thank goodness you're here! We've just been discussing how the animators messed up the colors and fanfiction and Chibi-Usa got killed and we started talking some more... 

MAMORU: That's great, Usako. Sounds like everyone's having fun. 

DIANA (murmuring to her parents): It didn't even faze him... not that it should, I suppose. 

LUNA: It was no big loss, anyhow. But somehow, I would have much rather enjoyed a long, drawn-out, violent death seen for the little terror than just a blast of fire and smoke as a result of some character not associated with us. 

DIANA: Well... I hope the Outer Senshi get here soon... We need some REAL entertainment... 

[EYE-CATCH for commercial break] 

[SD SENSHI hop merrily around the screen, before everyone beats up the MOON and CHIBI-MOON ones] 

[FIRST COMMERCIAL] 

A HYPER LITTLE GIRL: Hey hey hey hey, Mommy mommy mommy, guess what guess what guess what? 

MOM: What is it, my darling daughter? 

HYPER GIRL: I just found out that I, too, can become just as sugary sweet and annoying as Chibimoon!! 

MOM: Ooo, and how can you do that? 

[A big cereal box drops in out of nowhere] 

H.G.: With the All New Chibimoonifying Sugary Sweet Lumps! 

MOM: Wow, all nutrients it could have possibly have were removed! 

H.G.: Yeah, and all that's left is fatty, cholesterol-packed, calorific sugar goodness! 

MOM: Guaranteed to make little girls annoyingly hyper and endearing! Wow, where can we buy more? 

CHIBIMOON: Everyone come on down to Juuban Grocery today, and pay insanely large amounts of money for lumps of unhealthy sugar! You too can be almost as annoying as me! So get on down here before I "Pink Sugar Heart Attack" your ass! 

[psychedelic screen with flashing words] 

Chibimoonifying Sugary Sweet Lumps... from Dumb-O 

[SECOND COMMERCIAL] 

DITZ: I, like, need to, like, study for this, like, test so, like, I, like, won't _completely_, like, uh, fail my, like, test. Where can I, like, get help? 

VENUS: Fellow ditzes! You should, like, come see me so we can, like, band together against, like, all those geeks, like, that, like, like to study... like Sailormercury. 

MERCURY: HEY! 

DITZ: You're, like, my IDOL, Sailorvenus! How can I, like, be as ditzy as you?! 

VENUS: Well, you see, like, you have to already be, like, stupid... 

DITZ: Fer sure! 

VENUS: But it helps to, like, use stuff to, like, keep it that way! So I, like, recommend using, like, the, uh, "Venus's Ditzifying Exercises." 

DITZ: But I, like, am too _lazy_ to, like, exercise! 

VENUS: Not like, like, that. It's a collection of, like, all sorts of airheaded stuff. Like, there's a video tape that, like, only has people just, like, standing there talking, and they, like, have music videos, like, playing too... and there's, like, a handbook so, like, you can, like, practice your, uh... words. 

DITZ: Ohhh, but I can't, like, read well! 

VENUS: No problem! It's, like, in simple language that, like, even WE can, like, understand! And even, like, a cd so, like, you can, like, just listen instead of, like, reading or whatever. 

[Except from book: "Like, go to the mall and, like, pick out some, like, clothes that, like, are trendy and some stuff."] 

VENUS: There's, like, even a ton of, like, hair bleaches and, like, all sorts of, like, stuff to seep into your brain... so, like, get yours today, at, ummmm... that store.... 

DITZ: Thanks, Venus! You're, like, totally cool! 

VENUS: Fer sure! *giggles* 

[VENUS triumphantly walks away... and trips and falls on her face] 

[LAST COMMERCIAL] 

PLUTO: Are you... overwhemingly cool? 

SATURN: Are you... insanely powerful? 

NEPTUNE: Are you... filthy rich? 

URANUS: Are you... totally hot? 

PLUTO: Of COURSE you aren't. Unless you're an Outer Senshi like us-- which you aren't-- you're pathetic. 

SATURN: But never fear, lame-os... there's a bit of hope for you yet! 

URANUS: A very SMALL bit... 

NEPTUNE: If you pay an ungodly amount of money, you too can order the Outer Senshi's Guide To Partial Success! 

PLUTO: That's right! And since we're the _only_ truly successful people, we're the only ones qualified to tell you how to be _sorta_ successful. 

SATURN: After a wait so long you'll forget you ordered it-- 

PLUTO: Well, that's just because I have better things to do besides shipping packages... 

SATURN: --You will receive a set of instructional books, cds, videos, and cd-roms that will try to lead you on the path to... well, better than you are now! *raspberry* 

NEPTUNE: The books have all sorts of tips, including... 

PLUTO: How to find the coolest clothes that happen to cost a fortune. 

SATURN: How to make other people feel inferior and afraid of you. 

NEPTUNE: How to be jealous when your lover is flirting with someone else. 

URANUS: HEY!... How to drive waaaaay over the speed limit and get away with it. And there's also inspirational music, like... 

PLUTO: "My hair is cooler than yours. Live with it." 

SATURN: "Don't piss me off or I'll destroy you." 

NEPTUNE: "I am gorgeous and you aren't." 

URANUS: "I am much sexier than you'll ever be." 

PLUTO: Don't forget our video tutorials, like... Watch Pluto beat the living shit out of people. 

SATURN: Saturn waving her glaive around a whole lot while everyone gets really really really scared that she'll blow up the world! 

NEPTUNE and URANUS (whispering): Hey, can we make out on camera for the video? 

SATURN (whispering): Why not? Make them feel like idiots with lame love- lives. 

URANUS (grinning to camera): And of course, We kiss much better than you and have LOTS of fun doing it. 

PLUTO: Then there's the cd-rom packed with quizzes to test how well you're learning. They have themes like, "Are you still pathetic?" 

URANUS: "Are you in touch with your inner bitch?" 

NEPTUNE: "Do you sleep with your lover too much or not enough?" 

SATURN: "Should I destroy the world just because you live in it?" 

PLUTO: Hours and hours of tor-- I mean _enjoy_ment. There's more than just what we've mentioned here, so order today! 

SATURN: Remember, just send us all your credit cards, bank account information, the deed to your house, a check for all the money you possess, and your soul, and this can all be yours! 

NEPTUNE: If you're a pathetic loser with no self-esteem, this is the answer! (Maybe not a _good_ one...) 

URANUS: Remember, we do _extensive_ background checks to make sure you qualify for this set. For instance, idiotic perverts who just want to see Neptune and I make out will be refused immediately. Or people who just want a good laugh. If you're a loser geek who never sees the light of day and seriously think this will help you, however, this is probably for you. 

PLUTO: Just call 1-800-OUTERS1 and stay on the phone for a long time waiting for the hold music to go away. 

ALL: Don't delay, order today! 

[EYE-CATCH for return from commericial break] 

[BACK TO THE SHOW] 

DIANA: Well... I hope the Outer Senshi get here soon... We need some REAL entertainment... 

[Out of nowhere, a Ferrari F512M (very hard to find and very expensive, by the way) drives up. Out pops SETSUNA, HOTARU, HARUKA, and MICHIRU. Strangely enough, SETSUNA was driving, HOTARU in the passenger seat, and the other two in the back.] 

USAGI: Hey, they look about right... 

[SETSUNA's hair is a great shade of dark green, not black with green highlights like it is normally colored. She's wearing a maroon jacket over a nice white shirt, and a maroon skirt, with high heels. HOTARU is in her appearance as of SMS; teenager rather than kid. Pale as ever, wearing a black turtle-neck, skirt, tights, and shoes. MICHIRU's hair is the length it should be, about mid-back, and she's wearing a black slip dress with a sheer floral covering over it, and sandles. HARUKA looks remarkably different from her anime appearance; white hair, silver eyes, more girly appearance, and she's wearing a long-sleeved white shirt that bares her midrift, a long white skirt with dark stripes going down it, and, get this, shiny black combat boots.] 

SETSUNA: Sorry that we didn't come sooner, but as you all know, we are the coolest people ever created, and therefore didn't think you worthy of our glorious presences. 

HARUKA: Some crazy people out there [jerks thumb off camera] decided we had to though. That's not fair is it? We were having lots of fun, but nooo... we had to come here and visit you people... 

MICHIRU (hanging all over Haruka): Oh, we were having _lots_ of fun, weren't we, Haruka? 

[HARUKA blushes faintly and casts her eyes towards the sky innocently, Michiru continues clinging to her arm] 

HARUKA: Yeah... er... Hi everyone, how's it going? 

EVERYONE EXCEPT OUTERS: Bad. 

SETSUNA: That's nice. Hotaru, say something. 

HOTARU, with hand on chin: Yo, da bitch is back. 

[EVERYONE ELSE immediately falls over, then gets back up with large sweatdrops] 

USAGI: W-what... 

REI: Hotaru-chan? Is that you? 

[HOTARU shrugs and yawns] 

HOTARU: Hey, everyone else gets good lines, and I get hardly any. I decided to surprise everyone with a comment you would normally never hear from me, much less anyone else on this show. 

HARUKA: Hotaru-chan, the comment was great, but there's so much more to saying cool stuff... you have to do a cool _pose_... 

HOTARU: OoOooOo... Teach me how to pose in a cool type way! 

[HARUKA gives HOTARU a brief lesson in the art of posing really coolly] 

[HOTARU cross her arms tightly, glaring with narrow slits down her nose at the INNER SENSHI with one eyebrow cocked slightly] 

HOTARU: Yo, da bitch is back. 

[HOTARU fans everywhere go wild as the other OUTER SENSHI cry with happiness, the INNER SENSHI with envy] 

REI (sniffling): Oh... she's so cool... 

SETSUNA: Just like the rest of us Outer Senshi! 

USAGI (sobbing): This show is so unworthy to be graced with her presence! 

[INNER SENSHI, MAMORU, and CATS prostrate themselves before the almighty OUTER SENSHI] 

HOTARU: I _love_ power. Alright, faithful followers, you may resume your normal activities. 

NON-OUTERS: Thank you, oh great Hotaru-sama! 

[A brief pause] 

AMI (calling off-camera): I just realized... Hey!, are they following a script? 

AUTHOR, rather snootily: The Outer Senshi are _far_ too cool for _anyone_ to provide a script worthy of being spoken by them. How _dare_ you suggest such a thing? 

MICHIRU: We _are_ the coolest, aren't we? 

EVERYONE ELSE: Yep. 

[Yet another pause...] 

REI: So, what's with the combat boots, Haruka-sama? By the way, oh great Outer Senshi, may we please refer to you as -sama? 

OUTER SENSHI: GLADLY!! 

HARUKA (shrugging): I just felt like wearing them. Besides, if someone pisses me off, these will make quite a difference with I kick them in the face. 

INNER SENSHI: Ooooo... Violence... 

MINAKO: Setsuna-sama, why were _you_ driving? I would think Haruka-sama would strangle anyone that came near her cars, and you were _driving_ it... 

MAMORU: I want a car I want a car I want a car-- 

[USAGI slaps the back of his head] 

USAGI (hissing/whispering): Oh be quiet! Once we get paid for this doing this crazy episode, you should have enough for some clunky old thing. 

MAMORU (whining): But I want one noooowwww! 

USAGI: Shouldn't be wasting so much money on all those roses then-- oops, no one's supposed to know that you're too cheap to grow your own and the ones are your house are synthetic... 

SETSUNA: Excuse me, I would like to speak. Shut up. 

USAGI: Yes Setsuna-sama, right away oh great Setsuna-sama. 

SETSUNA: That's more like it! Minako-chan, to answer your question, Haruka-san _requested_ I drive so she could sit in the backseat. 

MINAKO: Huh? 

HOTARU: Put it together... Michiru was in the backseat, Haruka wanted to be back there with her-- Y'know... 

MINAKO: Oh, I get it... I think... 

MICHIRU: HOTARU!!! We weren't... I mean... we didn't-- it's not what you think, I mean, we wouldn't do that with other people in the car too... 

DIANA: There are children around, you know, like me. You shouldn't mention such things while we're here. 

[ARTEMIS clamps a paw over her mouth] 

ARTEMIS: Hush or there won't _be_ any more children around. 

DIANA: Mn keh. 

ARTEMIS: And how DARE you talk back to an Outer Senshi?! Shame on you! 

DIANA: Emm surry. 

[ALL now sit, stand, whatever in place. There is a great amount of silence--] 

HOTARU: AHHH! The Silence!! 

[Not that kind!! Okay... It was very _quiet_...] 

HOTARU: That's better. 

[The nine Sen--] 

HOTARU: Nine?! NINE?! Are you _trying_ to make me go nuts?! MUST you make all these Mistress Nine references?! 

[Er, pardon me... Inner and Outer Senshi, along with Mamoru and the cats, looked very, very bored.] 

[AMI suddenly gets it] 

AMI: Michiru-san!! I mean, -sama!!! You said... "we wouldn't do that with other people in the car too"... are you implying that sometimes when no one is there and you two are alone in the car you ha-- 

HARUKA: Stop that train of thought RIGHT NOW. You people are supposed to be too stupid to realize that Michiru and I--... uh, nevermind. 

[AMI wisely shuts up] 

[More Si-- er, quietness... eh heh, sorry Hotaru-sama] 

HOTARU (mumbling to AUTHOR): You better be. 

MAMORU: Wanna go see a movie, anyone? 

EVERYONE ELSE: Nope. 

MAMORU: Oh... 

[A British man in a bathrobe carrying a towel runs by, followed by a man whose grin so strangely wide that it makes those in his presence uncomfortable. He's carrying some strange sort of device which reads "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy". A blast of light makes them disappear.] 

LUNA: Oh... I read that book. 

USAGI: Is there any real meaning behind all these characters popping in from other series? 

LUNA: Probably not. 

SETSUNA: How about a movie, everyone? 

EVERYONE ELSE: Sure! 

MAMORU: Wait a minute, how come when _I_ asked, everyone refused? 

MAKOTO: Are YOU the almighty Setsuna-sama? 

MAMORU: Well... no... 

REI: Are YOU an Outer Senshi? 

MAMORU: Well... no... 

MINAKO: Do you have ANY worthy qualities to speak of? 

MAMORU: Well... no... 

AMI: Do you COMPLETELY kick ass like they do? 

MAMORU: Well... no... 

USAGI: Can someone dating you have a great relationship like Haruka-sama and Michiru-sama and feel like they are a special person by the way you treat them? 

MAMORU: Well... n-- HEY!!! 

[MAMORU and USAGI start squabbling] 

HOTARU: That just made me think... Setsuna-sama, why _do_ you like King Endymion? 

[SETSUNA shudders with horror] 

SETSUNA: Forget I ever said anything like that, okay? I was delusional ... I mean, hey, being stuck at that Time Gate forever, I mean, COME ON, practically any guy that walks your way seems like a primo target after awhile... And he just happened to be the only guy I ever saw *sob!* If only I'd realized, he is such a LOSER! I can do SO much better! I don't like him, I know the truth now! But why, WHY did I have to ever like HIM?! 

[HOTARU pats her on the back, trying to calm her down] 

HOTARU: It'll be ok, Setsuna... just let it all out... 

MINAKO: What about that movie? 

EVERYONE ELSE: Nope. 

HARUKA: Movie, anyone? 

EVERYONE ELSE: Yep. 

HARUKA: I love being worshipped. 

MICHIRU: Haruka... you know _I_'m the only one who gets to REALLY worship you... 

HARUKA (purring): I love it when you make innuendos... 

MICHIRU: OOoooOoo I love it when you purr... 

[HARUKA grabs MICHIRU in a tight hug and moves in to kiss her] 

HOTARU: Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama, you're my foster parents and I love you, but please, let's NOT get into that, ok? 

[HARUKA and MICHIRU sign, cross their arms, and pout] 

MICHIRU (whining): How come we never get to do anything onscreen? We're the best couple-- 

HARUKA (hypnotically to INNER SENSHI): Remember, you aren't hearing any of this. You know _nothing_. 

MICHIRU: --yet we never get to have any sort of physical contact onscreen beyond the fight scenes, handholding, leaning on shoulders, and dancing. No hugging, no kissing, nothing. The closest we get is our faces practically smashed together, a bit of a suggestive embrace, me sucking a glass shard from her hand... 

SETSUNA: It's because all the idiots out there who actually think you two are _"just friends"_ would die of a heart attack. 

HARUKA: Can we test that theory?! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?!?!?! 

MICHIRU: Haruka... not now... Besides, I want our first onscreen kiss to be at a more romantic moment, don't you agree? 

HARUKA: ...I think a scene change is in order... lessee... Paris, maybe? Some nice little restaurant-- 

SETSUNA: _Haruka_!! Look, you two can just _wait_ for that, ok? 

HARUKA and MICHIRU: Pleeeeeeeeeease? 

SETSUNA: Nope. Sorry. No can do. 

HARUKA and MICHIRU: Awwwww... 

HOTARU: Are we ever going to go see a movie? 

MICHIRU: Oh yeah... 

HARUKA (wiggling eyebrows): HEEeeeyyy, Michiru... nice dark theater... backrow seat... chance for making out? 

SETSUNA: Oh NO you don't! 

MICHIRU: Grrrrr..... no one has to see us... 

MINAKO: How we gonna get there huh huh huh? 

HARUKA: I'll take all us cool people, you Inners and cats and, oh yeah, Mamoru-kun... have fun walking. 

[The OUTER SENSHI get into the Ferrari, HARUKA at the wheel this time. MAMORU starts wandering around aimlessly. HARUKA is apparently distracted for a moment as MICHIRU is pulling her skirt down over her legs again after it bared her legs, and HARUKA accidentally backs up over MAMORU] 

HARUKA: Aw man! ... That's gonna leave a dent on the fender! Damnit! 

USAGI (wailing): MAMOOOO-CHANNNNN!!! NoOOoOoooOOoooo!!! Who will save me while making ridiculous speaches at the same time? WaaAAaaaAHhhHh! 

[EVERYONE goes to examine MAMORU's prone form] 

AMI: Hmmm... I think he's dead. 

[AMI pulls out her computer and runs some scans] 

AMI: Yup... he's dead alright. Huh. 

LUNA: Are you sure? 

AMI: Positive. 

LUNA: We better check... you know how these things can be. 

[SETSUNA takes out her kick-ass Time Key and whacks Mamoru's skill hard with it, making a loud CRACK as she does so] 

SETSUNA: Well, if he wasn't before, he is now. 

ALL (waving little flags): Yay, yay. 

REI: I'm surprised you aren't more upset than this, Usagi-chan. 

USAGI: Hey, I'll never see Chibi-Usa again... big bonus... and I'm free to pursue better, worthier guys-- 

SETSUNA (whispering to others): I don't like where this is heading... she seems to be making sense for once... 

USAGI: --Chibi-Usa was a brat anyways, the only niceness I showed was out of sheer PITY for the dork-- 

SETSUNA: Usagi-chan, you DO realize that if you continue being this bright for once, you will explo-- .... uh .... Nevermind, keep talking. 

USAGI: Whatever. Anyways, the idea of that Mamoru guy and I having a kid weirds me out. I mean, hello?, we hated each other before we knew we were the prince and princess, so we really-- 

[There's a sudden burst of smoke and flame as USAGI explodes gloriously] 

AMI: ..... 

MAKOTO: ..... 

HOTARU: ..... 

HARUKA: ..... 

MICHIRU: ..... 

SETSUNA: ..... 

ARTEMIS: ..... 

LUNA: ..... 

DIANA: ..... 

MINAKO: duuhhh..... 

[After a moment of more Sile--... um... quiet...] 

REI: HOWCOULDUSAGIJUSTDIELIKETHAT?!?!?!? 

MINAKO: Huh? 

REI (crying): She just DIED, just like THAT!!! Waaaaahhhhh!!! 

MAKOTO: Rei-chan!... you really _did_ care about her, didn't you? 

REI (sobbing hysterically): Who will I harass now? Who will I insult mercilessly and crush the self-esteem of? Who will be my victim now?! _I_ was supposed to kill her, it was ME ME ME!!! 

[EVERYONE ELSE falls over with huge sweatdrops hanging over their heads] 

MAKOTO: Ehehehe... I guess _not_... 

[The SENSHI slowly get themselves in some form of organization] 

HARUKA: On second thought, let's forget about that movi-- 

[A horribly loud, echoing burp interrupts everything]] 

HARUKA: --What the hell? Who DARES interrupt an almighty Outer Senshi by burping? 

[Cheesy kazoo music starts playing as a Starlight-esque introduction starts] 

VOICE #1: Out of the inferiority of those with low intellects... 

VOICE #2: Out of, like, the coolness of, like, the mall... 

VOICE #3: From the farthest corners of bitchiness... 

VOICE #4: The biggest losers came. 

[Lights shine on the first figure, clad in a geeky sailor uniform with suspenders and taped glasses, greasy hair, acne, poor teeth, and a hunched back] 

VOICE #1: Sailor Muststudy! 

[Light shines on second figure, clad in a pink-to-orange shaded sailor uniform with a ridiculously short skirt, platinum blond pigtails, blue colored contacts, and bright pink lipstick] 

VOICE #2: Like, Sailor Dee-itz! 

[Light shines on third figure, wearing a black leather sailor uniform of sorts with a spiked collar and bracelets, black hair, pale skin, red lipstick, and wickedly tall spiked heels] 

VOICE #3: Sailor Maso! 

[Light shines on the last figure, with a dirtied a slightly ripped sailor uniform, messy hair, a dirt-smeared face, and various scrapes, bruises, and cuts] 

VOICE #4: Sailor Jerkyturd! 

ALL FOUR: Sailor Losers... are here! 

ALL SENSHI plus CATS: HAHAHAHA!! 

MAKOTO: Oh my God! You HAHA you're so... pathetic! 

REI: Are you insane or something?! 

AMI: Do you have any idea how silly you look? 

MINAKO: You, like, are so pathetic! 

LUNA: We've established that. 

MASO: Shut the fuck up! We're the Sailor Losers, and if you have a problem with that... I... I DARE you to transform and try to kick our asses!!! 

[Stunned sil-- aw hell, you know what I mean!] 

AMI: How did you-- 

MUSTSTUDY: It's quite obvious who you are. Your disguises are not very effective for hiding your identity. 

MAKOTO: *sigh* Better transform, girls. 

MICHIRU: But I don't wanna! Look, they're obviously Inner Senshi parodies, YOU can take care of them! 

REI: Fine, we will! Mars Crystal Power, Make-up! 

AMI: Mercury Crystal Power, Make-up! 

MAKOTO: Jupiter Crystal Power, Make-up! 

MINAKO: ... um... oh yeah! Venus Crystal Power, Make-up! 

[Transformation music plays, and the INNER SENSHI stand ready for battle. They all launch at their respective dopplegangers] 

[OUTER SENSHI and CATS sit back in lawn chairs with popcorn] 

MUSTSTUDY (pushing up glasses and scratching a zit): So, Sailormercury, do you actually believe yourself smarter than me? 

MERCURY: Yes! Shabon Spray! 

MUSTSTUDY: You would attempt to defeat me with a mist? Hmph! Here's one for you! Ultra-Thick Textbook--- Attack! 

[Textbooks fly wildly at Mercury, knocking her to the ground] 

MARS: Hey bitch! Over here! 

MASO (stretching a whip out in front of her): That's "Maso", thank you very must, as in masochist. Little parody off how you say "Mars", y'know. 

MARS: Uh-huh. Right. 

MASO: You wanna fight? C'mon, lessee you fight! 

MARS: Oh, I'll fight all right! Rin, pyou, tou, sha, kai, jin, retsu, sai, zen! AKURYOU TAISAN!!! 

[MARS slaps an Anti-Evil scroll on MASO's forehead and proceeds to beat her up] 

JUPITER: Sailor Jerkyturd huh? 

JERKYTURD (growling): I like to beat up people, okay?! It's just a name, okay?! CHILL!! Backhand Slap Action! 

[Before the hand can reach JUPITER, she grabs JERKYTURD's arm and twists it back] 

JUPITER: Oh yeah?! 

DEE-ITZ (blowing bubbles with her gum): Like... I don't wanna fight... 

VENUS: Yeah, I might, like, break a nail. 

DEE-ITZ: ..... 

VENUS: ..... 

DEE-ITZ: Cat fight! 

VENUS: You're on! 

[DEE-ITZ and VENUS wildly claw each other's hair and slap each other repeatedly, hitting with shoes, basically a Jerry Springer fight] 

HARUKA: Pathetic, isn't it? 

MICHIRU: They aren't called the "Sailor Losers" for nothing. 

HARUKA: ... Michiru? 

MICHIRU: ... Haruka? 

HARUKA: What say we get away from this nonsense and-- 

SETSUNA: Can't you two keep your hands off each other? 

HARUKA and MICHIRU: No. 

HOTARU: C'mon, let's watch the fight. 

[MERCURY scrambles to her feet and glares at MUSTSTUDY] 

MERCURY: You've had it, Muststudy! I'm a bigger study freak than you, and you know it! 

MUSTSTUDY: And how do you intend to prove that?! 

MERCURY: Hah! Using a conjunction at the beginning of a sentence! 

MUSTSTUDY: No! I'm the true geek! ... Where did you go to school? Where are you from?! 

MERCURY: Tsk tsk, ending a sentence with a preposition... that's a no-no. 

MUSTSTUDY: No! It can't be!!! 

MERCURY: It can be if I say it can. 

MUSTSTUDY: Oh yeah?! Well... I have a calculator with me! It is a graphing calculator! 

[MERCURY pulls out her visor and computer] 

MERCURY: The ultimate in calculating, scanning, communication, and data storages lies in my hands and across my face. 

MUSTSTUDY: No... no! I AM A BIGGER GEEK!!! 

[MUSTSTUDY is practically frothing at the mouth now] 

MUSTSTUDY: Well... I willingly miss school dances because I'd rather study! 

MERCURY: I take my books EVERYWHERE I go, and finish hundreds a day! I would be so dorky as to read during the dance! 

MUSTSTUDY: No! No! I GIVE UP!!! 

[MUSTSTUDY prostrates herself before Mercury] 

MUSTSTUDY (sobbing): You truly are the bigger geek! I... I want... to be you... You're my idol! Train me in the ways of the geek! 

MERCURY: *pft* TRUE geeks come by their geekiness on their own. You are only as geeky as your destiny allows you to be. 

[MUSTSTUDY runs off in search of a bookstore] 

[MASO has ripped the scroll off and is cracking her whip in MARS's direction] 

MASO: Can't handle me, can you? Mwahahaha! I'm much more of a bitch than you! 

MARS: Yeah, sure! You're just a tramp in leather! You're just a _stupid_ bitch; I'm the really MEAN bitch! 

MASO: Oh yeah? HORRIBLE SCREAMING ACTION! 

[MARS covers her ears at the sound of the horrendous yelling] 

MARS: Yelling douth not a bitch make. 

MASO: Let's see how much of a bitch YOU are, hmmm? 

MARS: Mars... Flame... Sniper! 

[MASO's letter starts popping and melting from the flames] 

MASO: Eeeeek! Ooooo it HURTS!!... Do it again! 

MARS: Ugghhh what a sicko! 

[MARS launches at her and aims a well-placed kick at her kneecap, then moves to jab her fingernails in MASO's eyes] 

MASO: Go for it! 

MARS: *raspberry* No way! That's just giving you what you want. 

MASO: Come on! 

MARS: Nope. You're too lame. 

MASO (wincing): Really? 

MARS: Yes. Go away now. Find someone else to hurt you. 

MASO: Damnit... Geez, and I have to be so lame as to listen to you and leave. 

[MASO hobbles off, wincing from the burns] 

[JERKYTURD and JUPITER are a whirlwind of punches, kicks, jabs, and attempted throws] 

JERKYTURD: You can't block my attempts forever! I will land a blow! 

JUPITER: Suuuuure you will... uh huh, and I'm NOT boy-crazy... yeah, right. 

[The AUTHOR would like to take this moment to comment on the fact that MAKOTO is so obviously guy-crazy, why does anyone think she's lesbian? So she acted attached to HARUKA... She said so herself that she just looked up to her. And hey, it was _HARUKA_, who _is_ kinda masculine in the anime.] 

JERKYTURD: I beat up so many kids I'm in eternal detention! 

JUPITER: I beat up so many kids I got kicked out of my old school! 

JERKYTURD: Look at all these scrapes and bruises! I fight a LOT! 

JUPITER: I fight a lot too, but I'm so good I _don't_ have any! 

[JERKYTURD is momentarily stunned... giving JUPITER the perfect chance to attack and land a well-placed kick... right on her butt] 

JERKYTURD: Nooooooo! You kicked my ass... literally! I submit to the worthier bully! Please spare me! Take my lunch money, I'll do your homework, close me in a locker, anything! 

JUPITER: Just get lost. 

[JERKYTURD races off] 

[DEE-ITZ and VENUS have progressed to the chair-throwing, clothes tearing, where's-the-security-guards-when-you-need-'em stage of cat-fighting] 

DEE-ITZ: I'll win fer sure! 

VENUS: No, _I'LL_, like, win, like, fer sure! 

DEE-ITZ: *gasp* I, like, forgot to say like! 

VENUS: Well, I, like, can, like, put a like, like, everywhere! 

DEE-ITZ: But I, like, thought I was, like, fer sure the biggest, like, ditz! 

VENUS: But you, like, aren't even a, like, real blond, and I, like, am! 

DEE-ITZ (sobbing): It's, like, true and some stuff! I'm, like, a total bleach, like, user and stuff! 

VENUS: You just, like, can't, like, compare to me! 

DEE-ITZ: Fer sure! 

VENUS: Like, tell ya what; you should, like, go to the mall and, like, shop and, like, stuff ok? 

DEE-ITZ: Ok! 

[DEE-ITZ runs off, bubble gum streaming behind her] 

[The INNER SENSHI stand tall in the former battle ground, proud to have defeated their twisted parodies, the SAILOR LOSERS.] 

MERCURY: I proved I'm the biggest study-holic ever. 

MARS: And I, the biggest bitch. 

JUPITER: Er, I'm the one who really is a jerk... 

VENUS: And I'm, like, the, um... ditz. 

[The OUTER SENSHI clap in that sort of delayed thing people do when they don't really mean it] 

HOTARU: Gee, Mercury, I'm sure being a _nerd_ is something to be proud of. 

MICHIRU: Being a bitch is a real _commendable_ quality. 

HARUKA: Yeah, Jupiter, you can kick _anyone's_ ass... but not me, remember? 

SETSUNA: Don't you just feel so _popular_ and _smart_, Venus? 

INNER SENSHI: Awww shucks. 

[INNER SENSHI detransform] 

LUNA: Well, that's it for this episode! Let's share what we learned in it! 

EVERYONE ELSE: *groan* 

HOTARU: Whhhhyyyyy?! 

LUNA: Because the producers will cancel us if we don't. 

HOTARU: Oh... well... in that case... ok. 

LUNA: I learned that everyone ignores me. 

ARTEMIS: I learned that Mina-chan should never have sugar. 

DIANA: I learned that I enjoy watching Chibi-Usa suffer... don't we all? 

AMI: I learned that I really do like being such a geek. 

REI: I learned that leather burns really weird-- better not let that happen. 

MAKOTO: I learned that it's very rewarding to literally kick ass. 

MINAKO: I, like, learned... um... I don't know. I, like, don't get it. 

HOTARU: I learned how to pose really cool... and that sometimes I really wish I'd just blown up this damn planet. 

SETSUNA: I learned that my "affection" for Mamoru is misplaced... and got a new idea for a great simulation to make-- Mamoru dying over and over! Yessss! 

MICHIRU: I learned that I need to control my hormones for the sake of the viewers... damnit! 

HARUKA: And I learned that I'd rather not try! 

[HARUKA grabs MICHIRU and they fall over somewhere offscreen, sounds of passionate kissing heard very clearly] 

SETSUNA: Er... Yes... well... As they say on Celebrity Deathmatch, good fight, good night! Blecch! 

[screen fades to black] 

[ending theme begins] 

USAGI [pre-recorded, singing to the tune of Otome no Porishii]: 

Whatever the pinch you're in, just give into despair. That is my Lame-O Policy. 

You'll always stumble over the truth and take the plunge of falling headfirst when you trip like an idiot 

In the depths of your great stupidity a loud wail emits 

There is plenty to fear! The tripping of your feet is your fault! Why can't you pass a test? You've got a stinky armpit 

You can't change what will become! You are just too stubborn, tears and wails you know too well! 

Anyways, you've got a stinky armpit. 

ANNOUNCER V.O.: On the next Pathetic "Soldier" Sailormoon! 

[clips of everyone watching a movie screen] 

PLUTO V.O.: We finally go to the movie, and what should happen? 

JUPITER V.O.: Popcorn fight! Yahooooo! 

[popcorn showers the screen] 

PLUTO V.O.: That's not what I meant. 

JUPITER V.O.: Whoops! 

LUNA V.O.: I decide to claw Artemis many times over! 

[clips of LUNA scratching ARTEMIS] 

PLUTO: No no no! Awwww forget it! Just watch it already! 

[logo flashes] 


	2. Episode II

Pathetic "Soldier" Sailormoon Episode II by Immora ********************************************************************** 

Author's Notes: 

Okay, okay, I know this fic kinda pokes fun at Sailormoon, but I just felt like doing it for the heck of it. It's not that I hate the show; it's my favorite. I just felt like doing something different from the more serious stuff I write. It's something to work on between "Dark Skies, Bright Heavens"... the parts I've been working on are rather depressing, so I need something more lighthearted or I'll go nuts o.O 

You should know by now the usual disclaimers, so I'm not going to bother saying them again. I'm taking all sorts of liberties with the storyline of this... hey, it makes things more interesting, okay?! 

This story is written in script format rather than a more novel-type format. 

To understand what's written: 

BOB: Ladeedoodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle." BOB (sighing): Ladeedoodle. = Bob sighed, and said "Ladeedoodle." [BOB merrily ladeedoodled before falling over] = Describing how Bob ladeedoodled until he fell over. All names in a description (and before words) are in capitals for no apparent reason. BOB V.O.: Ladeedoodle. = Bob isn't onscreen, but you hear him say "Ladeedoodle" as clearly as he would if there. BOB: La_dee_doodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" with the "dee" syllable emphasized. The _ _ basically denotes underlining, and underlining in writing means you would italicize when typing it up. BOB: Ladeedoodle *groan*. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" and groaned. A groan is not something you can write out... how often do you see "ermmmnn" written in instead of "groan"? * * around a vocalization means it is something that can't just be written out. BOB: LaAAADdeeEeeDoOooDdllLlEeee. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle," his pitch changing back and forth and his volume as well as he spoke. BOB: Laaaaadeedoodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" with the "La" syllable very long. BOB: LADEEDOODLE. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" very loudly; not the same as emphasizing. 

Well, that should clear things up, right? RIGHT?! 

Check out my website, The World of Immora: http://come.to/immora 

Thanks to everyone who commented on the first part of this story! ^-^ 

Hey, don't forget to take the survey, everyone. I need feedback so I know what to write! As for e-mail... immora@crosswinds.net. That's nice and all, but... Please take the survey! 

Have fun reading the story... oh yes, to all non-Outer Senshi fans: you suck (j/k), and you won't enjoy this fic. I absolutely ADORE the Outer Senshi, and it shows. I also adore three certain characters that will appear, although it may not seem obvious by the way I portray them. Hey, their wackiness is part of the appeal, right? I DO like Minako, even though I made her the typical valley girl-type ditz. 

********************************************************************** 

[usual music starts up] 

PLUTO V.O.: Today on Pathetic Senshi Sailormoon... We go to the movie theater... 

[clips of EVERYONE eating popcorn and watching the screen] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... run into some... interesting old "friends"... 

[clips of three figures standing and waving to a shocked HOTARU] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... get into fights over the popcorn... 

[clips of MAKOTO and REI struggling for control of the bucket] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... try to get our lovely little couple to control themselves until a more romantic opportunity presents itself... 

[clips of REI and HOTARU having to hold their hands over HARUKA and MICHIRU's mouths to keep them from kissing] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... and try to survive the rest of the movie. 

[clips of MAKOTO crying over someone onscreen] 

PLUTO V.O.: Author... what were you thinking?! Ugh!... 

[fade out] 

T.V. PRODUCER: Mmmkay, we're going to have a lovely rendition of the Stars theme song now... by, of course, our own Usagi... waitaminute, isn't she dead? 

AUTHOR: Yup, but she's doing the song anyways! 

USAGI [singing to the tune of the Stars theme]: So defeatable! For tomorrow, an English test! I'll fail! Yet again! I am lame You can hear me cry anywhere in the galaxy. 

Because I cry and wail unendingly, An unending journey to escape me persists. 

My teeth yellowed with stains, because I don't know how to brush Is it any wonder that people can't stand it when I open my mouth? 

My limbs tremble from collapsing yet again. No matter how easy it is, I will continue to somehow screw up. 

Don't grieve, you're not as stupid as me! I envy you, I'm such an idiot! This song is really silly. 

So defeatable! For tomorrow, an English test! I will fail! I won't pass this grade! I am lame! Falling over on my face. 

WAY TOO HYPER ANNOUNCER V.O.: And now, on with the show! 

[Screen flashes all sorts of colors and the episode title appears] 

MOON V.O.: CAN'T... STAY... AWAKE! SAILOR TEAM GOES TO THE MOVIES! 

[clips of all the SENSHI standing around a van] 

HOTARU: Ummm... where did this van come from? Does the author realize what country we're in? 

MAKOTO: Aw, who cares? Let's just go to the movies. 

HOTARU: *ahem* You forget who you speak to! 

MAKOTO: So sorry, oh great Outer Senshi!! 

HOTARU: Much better! 

[The INNERS start trying to pry the door open, pushing and shoving. The OUTERS are clearly exasperated at this. HARUKA finally steps forward] 

HARUKA: You kinda have to _unlock_ the door first. 

[HARUKA turns the key in the lock and opens the door] 

INNERS: Ooooohhhh yeeeeeaaaahhhh.... 

[INNERS pile into the van's back bench] 

MAKOTO: Man, it's crowded in here! 

SETSUNA: Well, the two middle seats are for Hotaru and I, and Haruka will obviously drive, Michiru in the passenger, so you will have to squash in if you want to go at all. 

[OUTERS take their seats. HARUKA starts the van and they drive off for the theater] 

MINAKO: Like, where did those, like, kitties go? 

AMI: Who cares? 

REI: This story isn't supposed to make sense, remember? 

MAKOTO: Speaking of not making sense... Now that Usagi is dead, how are we supposed to have a Crystal Tokyo without a Neo-Queen Serenity? 

[Everything goes Sil-- um, dead quiet, blue, with little birds flying, then a "hwwwoooo" sound goes by] 

MINAKO: Oooowwww, my head hurts! Too much, like, thinking! 

AMI: Um... that _is_ an interesting question... 

REI: We'll just have to find a new queen! 

MINAKO: YEAH!! Me me me me-- 

HOTARU: I think that an Outer Senshi would be better suited, don't you agree? 

MINAKO (grumbling): Yeaaahhhh... 

MAKOTO: But who?! 

HARUKA: Michiru would make a great queen. She's got all the smarts, the charm, the good looks... 

MICHIRU (blushes): Hee hee, no no, I don't want the responsibility... Setsuna-san? 

SETSUNA: *yawns* I got the Gate, remember? 

HOTARU: I'LL DO IT!!! Yayyyy! 

[Hotaru's eyes light up and a spotlight hits her] 

HOTARU: Finally... I get a chance at fame!... I get to have some characteri- zation... *gasp* Maybe I'll even get a henshin sequence!!! 

SETSUNA: I don't know about _that_... 

HOTARU (singing a bit): I get to be queen, I get to be queen... This is going to be so much fun! 

MINAKO (singing): The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round... 

HARUKA: Shut up. 

[Suddenly, it is quiet] 

MICHIRU: So, what movie shall we see? I am actually stooping so low as to asking for the opinions of you, the Inner Senshi. 

HOTARU: Are you alright, Michiru-mama? 

SETSUNA: What's wrong with you? 

HARUKA: Hey, anyone would be a little nutty trying to hold back as long as she has. Do you know just how hard it is for her to keep her hormones under control this long? 

INNERS: Huh? What is that supposed to mean??? 

MICHIRU: Just ignore that. 

INNERS: Ok. 

MICHIRU: So, as far as movies... ? 

[The van fills with noise as the INNERS start shouting their movie choices. The OUTERS wisely cover their ears] 

HOTARU: Let's see something with _plot_. 

MINAKO: Like, that's like, such a, um, idea!... Er, or something. 

SETSUNA: I feel like seeing something with a bunch of nicely ripped, tanned men's bodies on display a lot. 

[The INNERS go wild. HARUKA and MICHIRU shudder] 

MICHIRU: Could we perhaps make a compromise? 

HARUKA: Pleeeeease? If you're gonna make us see... *groan* men, the movie should have something that would interest us, too. 

SETSUNA: Let's just figure it out when we get there. 

[And so, they get there] 

MAKOTO: Wow, look at all the choices! 

REI: They sound so... weird. 

* Slightly-Painful Weapon 4 * Moderately Fast But Not Too Speedy 2 * Robbin' Food: Porkers in Knee-Highs * Star Track 5,426,738 * Hope Flops * Monty Cobra and the Unholy Cup * A Movie With a Bunch of Tanned Guys and a Cute Lesbian Couple 

AMI: Hmmm... The titles of all but the last seem to be parodied off real movies. 

SETSUNA: Aw, hell, the last one sounds okay... as long as I get my tanned guys, I don't care. 

MAKOTO: Woo hoo! Cute guys, here we come! 

[ALL pay for tickets and go to the snack counter] 

MINAKO: Ooooo, let's get popcorn, let's get popcorn, let's get-- OWWW!! 

[MAKOTO bopped MINAKO on the head hard] 

MAKOTO: Will you _ever_ shut up? 

[ALL buy various snack items, such as popcorn, candy, soda... Then they head into the theater and grab center seats] 

AMI: Oooo, a commercial for a brand new type of laptop computer... wow, it comes with a Pentium II processor! It supports quantum functions, a dilithium matrix with sublight generating capibilities, a hyper-flux capacitator with a ju-- 

[There's a loud THWACK as HOTARU smacks AMI on the head with the blunt end of her Sil--- um, her glaive] 

HOTARU: Quiet! 

AMI: Yes, my queen... I shall close my mouth now, I will remain in utter silence as you-- 

HOTARU: YAAHHHH!!! 

HARUKA: Ohhhh, NOW you've done it! 

[OUTERS wisely dive to the floor, MAKOTO and REI following suit.] 

[HOTARU raises her glaive and starts shouting wildly. The other movie- goers don't know what to make of it. AMI cowers, unsure of what to do] 

HOTARU: Yaaah!!! The SILENCE! The SILENCE! NINE NINE NINE-- 

AMI: Waaahhh! I didn't mean to say that word! 

[HOTARU raises her glaive and the other SENSHI run for their lives while AMI is too terrified to move. It could all end here...] 

[But the AUTHOR decides to intervene] 

AUTHOR: C'mon, Hotaru-chan, you don't really want to do that... 

HOTARU: I DON'T?! Oh geez, you really CONTROL ME!! 

AUTHOR: Er... On second thought... 

[AUTHOR runs away with the others] 

AMI: MOMMY!!! 

HOTARU: SILENCE... 

AMI: OurfatherwhoartinHeavenhallowedbeThynameThykingdomcomeThywillbedone-- 

HOTARU: GLAIVE... 

AMI: HailMaryfullofgraceThelordiswithyouBlessedartthouamongwomen-- 

[Suddenly three strange men pop in, dressed in wild, outlandish outfits, with funny hair, black dots in the center of their foreheads, and clothes that border on drag. HOTARU drops her glaive in shock] 

HOTARU: What the fuck?! 

1ST MAN: Um... where are we? Why is this girl screaming like she's crazy? 

2ND MAN: Ex-a-cus-a me... What toime ees it nouw? 

3RD MAN: OOoo, where did you get that nice dress? That would look good on me! 

[INNER SENSHI scream and faint] 

HOTARU: Ummm... who are you? WHAT are you? 

1ST: I am Hawkseye! 

2ND: Tigerseye! 

3RD: And I'm Fisheye! 

ALL THREE: The Amazon Trio! 

HOTARU: ... What kind of screwy names are those?! 

[AUTHOR pops in] 

AUTHOR: Rememeber Neherenia? She turned a hawk, a tiger, and a fish into the men you see here... Well, in the manga it was the Amazoness Quartet... but anyways... They were born animals, you see, but now have human forms. 

HOTARU: The one in blue is a GUY?! 

AUTHOR: Yes... And they appeared in the SuperS season, which YOU were not around to see, unless you count the manga-- 

HOTARU: Stop that. 

AUTHOR: Yes, Hotaru-sama. Right away, Hotaru-sama. 

[The AUTHOR cowers and hides in a corner. The AMAZON TRIO examines their surroundings] 

HAWKSEYE: Where did everyone go? 

REI: Well, they sort of ran in terror from Hotaru-sama here... 

TIGERSEYE: Hotaru-sama? 

REI: The short little girl standing near you in the black. 

[TIGERSEYE jumps ten feet in the air when he sees HOTARU standing there, grinning at him, practically hyperventillates after landing, then...] 

TIGERSEYE: Hey... you're kinda cute-- 

[The OUTERS somehow manage to simultaneously slap him. HAWKSEYE and FISHEYE laugh wildly] 

HOTARU: Sorry, you're just a BIT far from being my type. I don't go for circus freaks. 

TIGERSEYE (clutching swollen jaw): ooOOhhh muy bootiful fayze ooOooh... 

MAKOTO: What are you three doing back anyways? 

HAWKSEYE: Who knows? The author just makes whoever she wants appear and disappear with no real consideration as to the actual events of the series-- 

AUTHOR: HEY! Take that back or you'll be one of the disappearing characters! 

HAWKSEYE: Yeah, yeah... 

AUTHOR: Howsabout... a strange fluke occured when Hotaru-sama almost used her attack, somehow bringing you three back... 

FISHEYE: Hey, as long as we're back!!... Now, where's my Mamo-chan? 

HARUKA: She offed him last chapter. I ran over him!!! 

FISHEYE: WHAT?! Damn you, you bitchy author you! NOOO!! 

AUTHOR [whimpering]: But I don't like him! 

FISHEYE: Could ya bring him back, just for me? Pleeeease? You don't have to show him onscreen or anything. 

AUTHOR (sighing): But... 

FISHEYE: Pleeeeease? 

AUTHOR: But... but... 

[FISHEYE makes puppy-dog eyes] 

AUTHOR: DAMNIT! Why can't you be more... why are you so... grrrr... Fine. He's now alive... somewhere. You'll figure out where. But he won't appear, understand?! Unless someone else bribes me again... But the chances of that happening are slim. Well... Unless the Outer Senshi somehow decide... since I of course obey them and all... 

FISHEYE: Thank you! THANK YOU! 

HOTARU: Shoo, author, shoo. 

AUTHOR (grumbling): Have no control over my own story... Yes, Hotaru-sama! 

HOTARU: What's everybody standing around for? We came to see a movie, remember? Let's watch it! 

SETSUNA: Care to join us, gentlemen? 

TIGERSEYE: Sure. What's it about? 

INNERS and SETSUNA: Really hot tanned guys-- 

HARUKA and MICHIRU: -- and a cute lesbian couple! 

[The TRIO's attention is perked] 

HAWKSEYE and TIGERSEYE: Lesbians? 

FISHEYE: Hot tanned guys? 

[The TRIO fights and shoves for a seat while the SENSHI calmly sit in their original seats] 

[Just because I'm bored, here's the order of how they sit, left to right... that is, left when looking at them: Ami, Mina, Mako, Rei, Harukamichiru, Hotaru, Setsuna, Fish, Tiger, Hawk] 

[Other patrons slowly return] 

REI: Damn, I hate sitting through previews. 

MAKOTO: Oh wait, cute guy on commercial! 

[They stare with hearts in their eyes] 

FISHEYE: Look at those pecs! 

MAKOTO: Oh, I know! 

[REI and MAKOTO look at FISHEYE, look at MINAKO, back to FISHEYE...] 

ALL THREE: TRADE SEATS! 

[They pick up MINAKO and stick her in FISHEYE's seat, and FISHEYE grins at them, reaching for the popcorn bucket] 

REI: YEAAAHHH! Your hand is GREEN and SCALY!!! 

FISHEYE: I was originally a fish, remember? 

REI: ... Oh yeah. As long as it isn't slimy... 

FISHEYE: Oh no! Not at all! 

MAKOTO: Ooo, who does your nails? I love that color... 

[SETSUNA is about to strangle the incessantly babbling MINAKO, who insists on flirting with TIGERSEYE... who isn't exactly discouraging it] 

MINAKO: And so then I, like-- 

TIGERSEYE: Oh reeeeeally? Tell me mo-- 

SETSUNA and HAWKSEYE: Shut up! 

[SETSUNA looks at HAWKSEYE, they look at MINAKO, back at each other...] 

BOTH: TRADE SEATS! 

[They pick up MINAKO and stick her in HAWKSEYE's seat, and she doesn't even stop talking] 

HAWKSEYE: Ahhh... an intelligent person. 

SETSUNA: And I'm gorgeous, too. 

HAWKSEYE: Very. Say... how old are you? 

SETSUNA: Well, let's see... not including all the time travelling, plus the Silver Millennium, exempting manga continuity... 

HAWKSEYE (hearts in eyes): AN OLDER WOMAN!!! 

SETSUNA: ... Er... Don't call me old... Hey, you're not that bad-looking. Maybe I could have a casual fling and break your heart. Or I could toy with you by being your friend yet subtley flirting, leading you to second guess my every word. Or I could make you my servant while never giving you the satisfaction of me even pretending to be interested in you... 

HAWKSEYE: Your wish is my command, Setsuna-sama. 

SETSUNA: Definitely the servant. 

[EYE-CATCH for commercial break] 

[SD SENSHI hop merrily around the screen, before everyone beats up the MOON and CHIBI-MOON ones] 

[FIRST COMMERCIAL] 

[Annoyingly cheerful music like the type they play during nature scenes in Looney Tunes starts up] 

[A seemingly friendly guy with white hair, glasses, and a thinly striped shirt stands there. One lens is unusual, but he keeps on smiling] 

GUY: Hello, everyone. Isn't it a lovely day out? 

[Indicates cherry blossoms falling, blue sky, birds tweeting...] 

GUY: Yes, it's a beautiful day, everyone is outside enjoying themselves... a perfect day... 

[Shows people picnicking] 

GUY: -- to TAKE OVER THE _WORLD_!!! 

[He grabs a labcoat, spins around, and suddenly his glasses are glowing, his mouth becomming a strangely cartoony red grin] 

TOMOE: YEEHAHAHAHA! Yes, that's right, it's Professor Tomoe! The so-called "mad scientist"... YEEHAHAHAHA! Well I'LL show you what being a scientist is REALLY like!!! 

[TOMOE whips out lab equipment and the Daimon EZ Bake Oven(TM)] 

TOMOE: That's right, little children, you can take this equipment home. You can create ALL SORTS OF CREATURES with it and perform crazy experiments! YEEHAHAHAHA! You can make your own DAIMONS WITH IT!!! 

ANNOUNCER: Excuse me, Professor? Isn't that a bad idea? Giving kids the means to let lose daimons and all, they could inadvertantly take over the world, be brainwashed by the forces of evil... 

TOMOE: YEEHAHAHAHA! We will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! Yeahahahaha... Ehahaha... YEEHAHAHAHA! For our mistress, we will BRING ABOUT THE SILE-- 

[EVERYONE dives to cover his mouth] 

ANNOUNCER: You want to kill us all?! 

TOMOE: Yeth! YETH! DYYYY POONEE MOHTALTH! 

ANNOUNCER (sweatdropping): . . . . erm... Alrighty then! Order today, and receive your own free labcoat! Oooo, isn't that just cool? Call 1-800-VILLAINS. And please, be careful. You want to have fun, and you can't have fun if you destroy the world. 

TOMOE: MASTAH FEROW NIDY VILL DAYK OVAH TZE VORRLD! TZE SYLENN-- 

[SECOND COMMERCIAL abruptly interrupts the ending of the first] 

[A man stands at his barbeque, frantically trying to light it, while his disappointed family waits] 

HUSBAND: This stuff is no good! The lighter doesn't have a big enough flame to get the lighter fluid going! 

WIFE: Oh dear! How are we going to eat? 

KIDS: Daddy, we're hungry! 

HUSBAND: I'm sorry kids, it looks like we aren't going to be having barbeque. 

WIFE (gasping and pointing): Wait! What's that? 

[Two figures land on the grass, one carrying a strange apparatus and laughing like a maniac, the other in a short skirt, chanting "Fire! Fire!" in a Beavis and Butthead-type voice] 

EUDIAL: Ehahahaha! Sooo, can't get the barbeque to work, eh? 

MARS (standing by the barbeque): This barbeque will not let families go without dinner any longer! In the name of Mars, we will light a fire!!! 

[EUDIAL hoists her flame-thrower and winks] 

EUDIAL: The all-new Fire Buster 3000, based on previous Fire Busters, combining my techological ingeniuity with-- 

MARS: -- Mars FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! 

EUDIAL: Erm, ahem... yes... This flame thrower will shoot up to 100 feet! A burst of flame up to five feet wide! 

MARS: And with the power of Mars behind, this baby's gonna cook your burgers in no time flat! 

[EUDIAL aims the Fire Buster 3000 at the meat patties, taps the trigger lightly, and sends a searing burst of flame at them] 

MARS: And look! Simple as that! 

[EUDIAL beams as she gestures to the well-done meat] 

HUSBAND: Such power! 

WIFE: And look! It has a handy hook attachment for easy hanging in the kitchen! 

EUDIAL: Don't forget, the special shape allows for easy carrying as well! No arm pains from long use; it's designed for comfort and control. 

KIDS: Wow, thanks Mars! Thanks Eudial! 

[MARS does a peace sign and winks] 

MARS: Get your own Fire Buster 3000 today! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! 

[LAST COMMERCIAL] 

[A sunny beach with a huge stretch of bright aqua water and white sand. The OUTER SENSHI lounge in long chairs, wearing swimsuits and sunglasses] 

SETSUNA: Well well well... We're back! And we're BEEEE-yoootiful! 

HOTARU: Yes we are!... Due to the over-whelming success of the Outer Senshi's Guide To Partial Success-- 

HARUKA: There's a LOT of _losers_ out there that actually bought it! 

HOTARU: --Er, yes, due to the success of that product, we have decided to do a follow-up product so we can make even MORE money off you losers! MWAHAHAHA! 

MICHIRU: You heard her right! We are going to give you another opportunity to attempt to be cool! 

SETSUNA: This all-new package contains even more than the first! You'll be quite satisfied with it. 

HOTARU: This time, we've separated things by which of us you aim to be the most like. You'll find products geared to attempting to copy our greatness. 

SETSUNA: For instance, in my section, you'll find all sorts of exciting stuff. You'll get a really big watch with all sorts of useless features like the moon phases and the date and that junk. No one can go without my dress pattern book, especially designed for people who happen to be tall, thin, and well-developed like me... Ok, so you can't get any use out of it, big deal. Also included is really cheap dark green hair dye... do you think we care to research how to make decent hair dye?... And dark red contacts, which may or may not cause eye damage. An at-home tanning bed will surely assist you as you relax to the sound of me whacking someone over the head with my Time Key. Ahhhh... Includes "Simmer," "Bake," "Barbeque," and "Deep Fry" settings. Don't forget the plastic keychain that, believe it or not, looks like a key. My advice book on how to freak out people by being incredibly cryptic is included. Remember, "An empty stomach is not a good political advisor." 

HOTARU: How could it be, it's a stomach! 

SETSUNA: "The wise man knows many things, the shrewd one, many people." 

HOTARU: Ok... For those of you antisocial, destructive types... You'll probably LOVE my selection! All sorts of neat black clothes, nearly genuine cybernetic parts-- thanks, Daddy! -- your very own jeweled amulet to help you with those coughing fits... Don't forget the SPF 900 sunblock to keep that lovely white face! Your very own can opener that looks almost like my glaive when you squint, some lovely metal hair ribbons that double as blades, and of course a projector so you can pretend to make holograms... wow! And some great recordings of pure quiet. Ah, what a nice sound! Don't forget to sign the papers giving me the right to your soul, as I will be your future queen, WOO HOO! ... Ahem, and don't forget my guide to purchasing lamps and scaring the shit out of people. 

MICHIRU: Hotaru-chan, honey, you're scaring me. Well, anyways... I've included all sorts of pictures of the clothes I wear, all the jewelry I own, the accessories, etc., that way you can get an idea of what you should buy and realize that I own all sorts of expensive stuff you can't _possibly_ buy. Then, of course, is a cheesy, toy violin that plays several pre-recorded songs by you tapping it. Aren't you just the skilled little musician? You'll get a ton of make-up of really low quality, like in those cheap cosmetic sets for kids. Pathetic stuff. Then there's a set of 5 watercolors, a fat brush, and a piece of paper. Finally, recordings of me playing the violin much better than anyone else ever will, and a book you'll love, girls... Why I'm so much prettier than you, so much nicer than you, so much more attractive than you, and have all the guys you wished liked you instead flocking to _me_ despite the fact that they have no chance in hell at getting a date with me since I have no interest in men and already have the hottest girl in the world as my girlfriend. 

HARUKA: Note to self: Kill guys that keep flocking to Michiru. Anyways ... for you racing fans, I have some photos of my many, many cars, videos of me racing them, and reasons why you could never do it. I've got all sorts of clothing tips in here, for both guys and girls. Hey, I wear all sorts of clothes, so I'm qualified to give advice, aren't I?! 

MICHIRU: You're just going to tell them about the clothes you wear in public, I hope? Not the ones you sometimes wear when-- 

HARUKA: Shhhh!!! o_O;; Ahem. Ehehehe... Well, I also have one of those cheesy music books that comes with a dinky keyboard, y'know, those lame ones? For those of you who care, there's silver contacts-- and for you people that get a kick out of the teal, why not those, too? And Chlorox, of course, so you can attempt to have white hair... THANKS A LOT to Toei animation for _totally_ fucking up my hair and eye color for NO apparent reason when they were perfectly fine as they are, and making me always dress like a guy. What a BRILLIANT move that was... Enough of that, there's an interesting device that can make you look taller, if you don't mind the interesting twinges of pain in your back. Remember to research a good chiropractor and neurosurgeon. Plus, a book all about what makes me so hot and gorgeous and sexy... and you such an ugly, pathetic little twit. 

MICHIRU (winking): I obviously helped her with the reasons. 

HARUKA: Keep it up, maybe we'll have to throw in some of those videos-- 

MICHIRU: You wouldn't let everyone see those, would you?! o_O 

HARUKA: Heh heh heh... 

MICHIRU: I know you wouldn't. You're not THAT naughty. 

HARUKA: I'm not that STUPID, you mean. I'm plenty _naughty_, you know that. 

MICHIRU: Mmmm hmmm... 

HARUKA: *growls* 

MICHIRU: Oooo, Haruka! I love it when you do that! 

SETSUNA and HOTARU: Uhhh... A bit more than we wanted to know. 

HOTARU: Ignoring those strangely horny people... You will receive all this for just a minor cost! 

SETSUNA: That's right! This time, you only have to give us all your energy, your heart crystal, your dream mirror, your star seed, the largest wad of cash you can find, a couple organs, 20 pints of blood, and your first-born child, plus you have to guess my nam-- wait a minute, this isn't Rumpelstiltskin... and you'll get everything! 

MICHIRU: I don't think the human body has that much blood in it. 

HOTARU: Ah well. Find a way to get 20 pints to us! And it all has to be YOURS, got it? 

HARUKA: And if you act now, we'll throw in our interesting little guide to love. You'll feel pathetic about your love life, but hey, it'll help you possibly find a crush to admire from afar since you have no hope of approaching them and actually getting a date... 

MICHIRU: Uh huh... Yes, and... Haruka, that doesn't have anything about _us_ and... certain activities, does it? 

HARUKA: Oh... Well, forget about that guide then! I'll give you... a cookie. That's it. 

MICHIRU: Yes, you'll a cookie.... You know, I'm hungry. Want a cookie, Hotaru? Setsuna? 

[brief pause as they scramble for cookies] 

MICHIRU: It's always a good time for a cookie. Haruka, you want a cookie? 

HARUKA: Nawww... I don't want a cookie. Let's just leave, find a nice hotel suite, have mad passionate s-- 

[MICHIRU grabs HARUKA's hand and starts to run off with her] 

HOTARU: HEY! We have to finish this commercial! You can go... um, go do that later! 

SETSUNA: My my, those two need therapy so they can control themselves... Don't forget, the number to call is 1-800-OUTERS1. You'll be on hold "just a few minutes", but it's worth it!... Would you two stop making out?! HELLO?! If the camera was on you... sheesh... AHHH! ORDER NOW!!! STOP IT!!! 

[EYE-CATCH for return from commericial break] 

[BACK TO THE SHOW] 

SETSUNA: What the-- I thought we had control over this thing now! What are we doing having COMMERCIALS?! Corporate lackeys, explain! 

CORPORATATE LACKEY #1: B-b-but... B-b-but... 

CORPORATATE LACKEY #2: We need the revenue! And this is still a show, even if you are following no known script! 

C.L. 1: W-we j-just have no control! 

C.L. 2: Yeah, the director has no say! But we need the money. 

C.L. 1: Y-you c-can have a p-percentage of the p-profits... 

SETSUNA: Fine, fine... I can't resist that bribe. 

[The movie finally starts. The opening credits drag by, then a cute guy appears on screen. Screams can be heard all over the theater] 

MAKOTO: EEEE! He's SO cute! Oh my God! Damn, forget my ass of a sempai, this guy is HOT! 

REI: He sure is!... And good for you, Mako-chan! 

MAKOTO: He's taking off his shirt! HE'S TAKING OFF HIS SHIRT!!! 

[REI, MAKOTO, and FISHEYE are at the edges of their seats] 

FISHEYE: Look at those eyes! Look at those muscles!! 

ALL THREE: The perfect man!!! 

[AMI, sitting and reading a book, glances at the screen] 

AMI: What a healthy fellow. 

[AMI would have been beaten to a pulp by screaming teenage girls if they weren't too busy watching the guy on screen] 

MINAKO: Like, totally cute! 

TIGERSEYE: What about ME?! 

MINAKO: Oh yeah, you're cute. But he's, like, a different cute. 

TIGERSEYE: My face is more beautiful! 

MINAKO: ... Beautiful? Like, aren't you a guy? And beautiful is, like, for a girl? 

[TIGERSEYE glares at her and crosses his arms in a huff] 

SETSUNA: He still has too much on. Ugh, wimpy tan. Pffft! PATHETIC! TAKE IT OFF! FAKE A TAN WITH SELF TANNERS! 

HAWKSEYE: Er, Setsuna-san? Isn't personality more important than looks? 

SETSUNA: Shush, in the movies, it sure isn't. Be a dear and get me another soda. 

HAWKSEYE: Alright. 

HOTARU: You're funny, Setsuna-mama. 

SETSUNA: Take notes, Hotaru-chan. When you're ruler of the Earth, you'll need to know this stuff. 

HOTARU: Sure. Why not?... Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama, you aren't too bored, are you? 

HARUKA and MICHIRU: Helllllp usssss! 

HOTARU: Ha ha, ha ha, you're stuck watching this! 

HARUKA (fuming): Excuse me? 

HOTARU: Ack! Sorry, Haruka-papa! Power goes to your head... And geez, that commercial... Can you two CONTROL yourselves?! 

MICHIRU (grumbling): If you're going to make us sit through this, we deserve to have-- 

HOTARU: Let's NOT discuss that! Geez... get some popcorn or candy or something, just control yourselves!!! 

[FISHEYE peeks over at them] 

FISHEYE: Oh, you're that girl that dresses like a guy... 

HARUKA: So? 

FISHEYE: I was very disappointed when I saw you weren't a guy, you know. I really wanted to go out with you. 

HARUKA: Uh... I care _why_? 

FISHEYE (sticking out tongue): Pah! Well, I'm the better cross-dresser, I don't have to put forth effort and people still think I'm a girl. Who knows what you have to go through to look flat. 

HARUKA: ... And that's a good thing? 

FISHEYE: Grrrrr! 

[In the movie, the GUY and some GIRL start kissing and stuff] 

GUY: You're beautiful. I love you. 

GIRL: You're cute. I love you. 

GUY: I will kiss you now. 

GIRL: Ohhh, kiss me! 

SETSUNA: How romantic. Get me a guy with a better tan and I won't care how pathetic the dialogue is. 

[Suddenly, a GUY with a better tan appears and shoves the other GUY out of the way] 

GUY 1: Excuse me, we're making out. 

GUY 2: I'm much better looking. She's mine. 

[The first GUY leaves and the new GUY takes over] 

SETSUNA: What a nice movie. I can talk at the screen and it changes to suit me. Ahhhh... the perfect movie experience. 

REI and MAKOTO: What a cute guy! I wish I was that girl. 

FISHEYE: What a cute guy!... Hmmm, why don't they just forget that silly girl and go out with each other? 

REI and MAKOTO: NOOO! O.O 

[HOTARU is rocking back and forth in her seat, looking seriously pissed] 

HOTARU: This movie sucks! This is so STUPID! LET ME OUT!!! 

MICHIRU: Calm down, just an hour and a half more-- 

HOTARU: HA! At least you have something to look forward to. 

HARUKA: Maybe everyone will die at the end...? 

HOTARU [suddenly attentive]: Oh, okay. 

HARUKA: What a... dark... child we're raising... 

HOTARU: Hey, not my fault my father sold my soul, I was possessed, then died, was reborn, raised by you, died again... well, it would make anyone have a bit of a dark outlook, huh? 

[HAWKSEYE returns with the soda for SETSUNA] 

SETSUNA: Hmmm... I don't like that flavor. 

HAWKSEYE: But... but... I waited in line... so long... 

SETSUNA: Wait some more. 

[HAWKSEYE sighs and leaves] 

[REI is reaching for the popcorn just as MAKOTO does] 

REI [tugging the bucket]: Sorry, I got there first. 

MAKOTO [tugging back harder]: No, I did. MY popcorn. 

REI [practically ripping the bucket from MAKOTO's hands]: No, _I_ paid for half of it! 

MAKOTO [jerking the bucket away]: And _I_ paid for the other half!!! 

[REI and MAKOTO start grabbing for the bucket, jerking it back and forth, causing kernels to fly everywhere, namely hitting FISHEYE and HARUKA. The bucket suddenly tears in half, sending an explosion of popcorn all over the place, leaving a stunned REI and MAKOTO each holding a half of a bucket] 

FISHEYE: You got popcorn in my hair! My beautiful hair! And salt, oh my God, salt all over! HOW COULD YOU?! Do you KNOW what an insult it is to fling SALT at a FISH?! 

[FISHEYE runs to find a water source of some sort] 

HARUKA [picking pieces from her clothes]: Was that necessary? Look, you wasted a whole bucket... Yuck, in my hair, down my shirt-- 

MICHIRU: I'll get them out!!! 

HARUKA: Alrig-- 

[REI grabs HARUKA and HOTARU grabs MICHIRU just in case] 

REI: Look, it was an accident... No need for that, Michiru-san! 

MICHIRU: But I-- 

[A loud yowl startles them, and they look down to see the CATS (minus DIANA) there, tails waving] 

LUNA: We decided to drop in and see how things were. 

ARTEMIS: How is everyone? 

MINAKO: HIIII, Artemis! 

ARTEMIS: Oh no-- 

[MINAKO grabs ARTEMIS and hugs him really tight. His face turns blue] 

MICHIRU: Wh-wh-wh-- 

HOTARU: Where'd you come from?! Geez, you scared me! ME! 

LUNA: Aaaaah, we always pop up at random! 

[LUNA climbs into FISHEYE's seat] 

LUNA: Why does this chair smell like fish? 

ARTEMIS: 

HOTARU: Speak up, Artemis. You just spewed white space everywhere. 

ARTEMIS: 

HOTARU: Wow, not even a "..." or a " ". Just... nothing. Geez. 

ARTEMIS: 

HOTARU: Wow, talk about vocal. Cat got your tongue? 

ARTEMIS: !!! !!! !!! 

HOTARU: You want some help? Minako-chan, let him go. 

MINAKO: But he's so cuuuuute! 

TIGERSEYE [eyeing ARTEMIS suspiciously]: Do I know you from somewhere? You smell familiar... hmmm... 

[MINAKO finally lets ARTEMIS go. He passes out on the (sticky) floor, completely blue by now] 

[FISHEYE returns, sees LUNA in his seat, and also faints] 

MAKOTO: Oh dear. He's missing this really cute guy on the screen. Poor widdle fishy. 

[REI releases HARUKA because she's too busy looking at the cute guy] 

HARUKA: YES! 

[HARUKA dives for MICHIRU, who's still trapped by HOTARU. HOTARU is startled and lets go. They're about to kiss when--] 

REI: ACK! Can't keep my eyes off you a second! 

[REI and HOTARU grab them again] 

HARUKA and MICHIRU: C'mon, pleeeeeeease? ;_; 

HOTARU: OOoooooh no... I put up with you two enough at home! Do you realize how much sleep I lose?!?! 

HARUKA: HEY! We're not THAT loud! 

REI: God, you two are just too, too, too... um, too...? 

SETSUNA: SHHHHH! We're trying to watch the movie! 

REI: Too... um... too... 

MAKOTO: Horny? 

REI: That works. You two ARE incredibly-- 

MICHIRU: Rei. Shut up. Now. 

REI: Yes Miss Outer Senshi ma'am. 

MICHIRU: Release Haruka. 

REI: Ooooh no you don't. Even if you are an Almighty Outer Senshi (TM) and I as a humble Inner Senshi worship you, I can't do that! You two would be all over each other. 

HARUKA: Is that so bad? 

HOTARU: For the rest of us, YES! 

HARUKA: But you won't have to listen to us gripe about it anymore. 

HOTARU: We'll have to listen to you go at it-- 

[SETSUNA suddenly raises up, head enormous, eyes huge, flames bursting around her (think Soun Tendo from Ranma 1/2)] 

SETSUNA: You're interrupting my enjoyment of the really hot guys in this movie! JUST LET THEM GO ALREADY SO I CAN WATCH THIS MOVIE IN PEACE!!! 

[REI, HARUKA, MICHIRU, and HOTARU are reduced to quivering heaps] 

HOTARU: who knew setsuna had it in her? 

REI: who would've thought... 

MICHIRU: she always seemed so calm... 

HARUKA: wow... Hey! She said you have to let us go! 

REI: I can't refuse Setsuna-sama ;_; 

[REI and HOTARU slowly, reluctantly loosen their grips and jump away from HARUKA and MICHIRU] 

HARUKA and MICHIRU: FINALLY!!! 

[They fall to the floor where no one can see them, although from the sounds, it's obvious they're making out] 

SETSUNA: Keep it down, you two. 

HARUKA and MICHIRU: Mmmph. 

ARTEMIS [regaining consciousness]: Oooooh... My head... my tail... why did Minako have to... 

[ARTEMIS starts to get up, and falls back down again. He sits there a moment, puzzled, then tries to stand. A strange substance seems to be holding him back, and he is quickly pulled back to the floor like a rubber band that has stretched too much and snapped in two... oooo, I made a simile...] 

ARTEMIS: Oh no... Oh no... It's the dreaded sticky theater floor! And I'm stuck to it! HELP! HELP! I'm stuck to the floor! My fur! My fur will be RUINED! 

[FISHEYE also regains consciousness and unsuccessfully tries to get up] 

FISHEYE [crying]: My make-up is smeared, I'm stuck to the floor, a cat stole my seat so I can't see the cute guys... and there's two _girls_ making out in front of me! WAHHHH!!! 

MAKOTO: That's nice... Oooo, what a hottie... 

REI [swoon]: I love this movie... 

FISHEYE [crying more]: I'M MISSING THE CUTE GUYS!!! 

[HAWKSEYE returns, a bit disgruntled and dirtied] 

HAWKSEYE: I... have... your drink... 

SETSUNA [sipping it]: Very good, you got it right this time. Thank you. 

HAWKSEYE: You're... welcome... 

TIGERSEYE: Ooo, Hawkseye, could you get me a nice cocktail with a cute little umbrella-- 

HAWKSEYE: Do I look like YOUR servant? I serve SETSUNA ALONE! 

TIGERSEYE: Um... Oh. 

[TIGERSEYE does his silly mumbling/sobbing thing] 

MINAKO: Like, shhhh and some stuff. 

TIGERSEYE [mumble/sob]: Oooh! Ohhhh! I am so thirsty! I need something to drink or I'll die of thirst! OhhHHH! 

MINAKO: Like, SHHHH! 

TIGERSEYE [mumble/sob]: Ohhh please! Someone save me from this thirst, oooh! And this movie, oohh, all I'm seeing is men men men and there's supposed to be some les-- 

[TIGERSEYE notices HARUKA and MICHIRU on the floor together] 

TIGERSEYE [calmly]: I'm happy now. 

HARUKA [glaring]: Do you mind?! 

TIGERSEYE: Well... 

AMI: Perhaps it is because you two are making out on the floor in plain sight-- 

MICHIRU: Your ability to state the obvious exerts itself. 

AMI: ... Look, the director slipped me some lines. If I want to get paid, I _have_ to say them ;_; Why do you think I've just been reading the whole time and saying stupid stuff like "What a healthy fellow" when he really is hot? 

MICHIRU: Well, that doesn't excuse saying Si-- that word. 

AMI: That was a foolish error. I was merely so humbled in Hotaru-sama's presence that I was reduced to moronic babbling-- 

HARUKA: Michiru? Hellooo-o? 

MICHIRU: See ya, Ami-chan. I'm gonna have some fuuuun... Tigerseye! Watch the MOVIE!!! 

[HARUKA and MICHIRU start making out again] 

TIGERSEYE: I'm in Heaven. ;_; 

FISHEYE: I'm in Hell! ;_; Somebody please help me! PLEASE! 

[Some guy in the movie is singing] 

GUY IN MOVIE: "And when you feel the heat, the world is at your feet, no one can hold you down if you really want it... 

FISHEYE: RICKY! RICKY! I'M MISSING RICKY!!! 

RICKY MARTIN: "... right from the hands of fate, reach for the cup of life--" 

MAKOTO: Shake those hips, baby! He's _much_ hotter than my sempai! 

FISHEYE: NO! NOT WITHOUT ME! DON'T SHAKE YOUR HIPS WITHOUT ME! NOOOO!!! 

RICKY MARTIN: "The cup of life, this is the one, now is the time, don't ever stop..." 

[FISHEYE is sobbing non-stop now] 

[MAKOTO is completely lost in the movie] 

MAKOTO (making kissy noises): Ricky... I love you... 

SETSUNA (sighing): As much as I love Ricky Martin (rare are the women that don't,) I have to say this movie is getting too dull. We should leave. 

MAKOTO: Ricky... 

HARUKA AND MICHIRU: *kiss kiss kiss* 

[REI finally snaps to attention] 

REI: Ok, you heard Setsuna-sama! It's time to go! 

SETSUNA: Someone shut off the projector! 

[The projectionist complies] 

MAKOTO (reaching for the blank screen): Ricky ;_; 

REI: C'mon, Makoto... it's ok... We have to go now... You can see him again later. 

MAKOTO: Bye Ricky ;_; 

[TIGERSEYE peals FISHEYE off the floor, not too gently. MINAKO moves to pick up ARTEMIS and he screams] 

ARTEMIS: Don't let her near me! She'll tear all my fur out trying to pull me up! 

LUNA: That's a bad thing? =¬_¬= 

ARTEMIS (mumbling): How in the world did we ever have Diana together? 

[TIGERSEYE comes over and carefully removes ARTEMIS] 

ARTEMIS: Wow, how'd you do that without injuring me? 

TIGERSEYE: It's a feline thing =^_^= 

ARTEMIS: =^_^= 

[The SENSHI are unsuccessful in trying to convince HARUKA and MICHIRU to get off each other] 

MINAKO: Like, you can do that at home... 

HOTARU: I won't complain tomorrow about losing sleep. 

AMI: You might get stuck like that. This floor is pretty sticky and all. 

SETSUNA: For crying out loud, stop it and come on. 

[The TRIO starts to leave] 

HAWKSEYE: Bye, Setsuna-sama! I hope to serve you again sometime! 

SETSUNA: Stop by our mansion later. I'd like a pedicure. 

HAWKSEYE: You'll let me touch your feet? I'm honored! ;_; 

[They leave the theater] 

REI: Come on, let's go. Please? 

[The AUTHOR intervenes] 

AUTHOR: Heeeeey, you know how I'm writing that story about you guys? (That's taken over a year already? ^^;;;) I just wrote the chapter with your first date-- 

[MICHIRU pops up] 

MICHIRU: Is it romantic? 

AUTHOR: I hope so ^^;;; 

MICHIRU: C'mon, Haruka, I want to read it. 

HARUKA: Oh alright... geez... 

[The SENSHI walk out the theater] 

LUNA: Time to share what we learned. 

SENSHI (groaning): Not again. 

LUNA: I'm even more convinced that everyone ignores me. Everyone has more lines than me! It isn't fair! 

ARTEMIS: I learned that movie floors are a hell unto themselves and you should never get anywhere near them. 

DIANA: I wasn't in this episode. I've been left out ;_; 

FISHEYE: Hey, where's Mamo-chan? Author, you promised me... ¬_¬ I learned that I shouldn't trust fanfic writers. They're all insane. 

TIGERSEYE: I'm so beautiful, oh! 

HAWKSEYE: That's not a lesson! Well, I learned to appreciate the magnificant presence of the great Setsuna-sama. 

AMI: I learned I'm willing to look like a dork as long as I get my paycheck at the end of the month. 

REI: I learned Setsuna-sama can be really mean when she wants to be... or an author decides to mis-characterize her on purpose... or sometimes they're just stupid and don't mean to... or... nevermind. 

MAKOTO: I learned that I must find Ricky Martin now and convince him to love me!!! 

MINAKO: I, like, learned that Tigerseye is, like, a real weirdo. He, like, thinks he's pretty, or something. 

HOTARU: I don't want to share my knowledge with anyone. You are beneath me. I am your future queen and I DEMAND RESPECT!!! 

SETSUNA: I'm enjoying my soda. I already know everything, don't I? 

MICHIRU: I'm too dazed right now to share my thoughts... Oh, but I did learn a new spot where Haruka's ticklish *giggles* 

HARUKA: Let's not share that ^_^;;; Um... Well, I learned Toei Animation succeeded in deluding a fish into thinking I was a man even though I'm a really hot woman... And... Um, I don't know. I really just want to take Michiru to our bedroom right now. 

SETSUNA: Thank goodness that's over with. Now, shoo, shoo, go away. 

[screen fades to black] 

USAGI [pre-recorded, singing to the tune of Otome no Porishii... the author cheated and just copied and pasted from last episode instead of coming up with something new since it _is_ 1:31 AM]: 

Whatever the pinch you're in, just give into despair. That is my Lame-O Policy. 

You'll always stumble over the truth and take the plunge of falling headfirst when you trip like an idiot 

In the depths of your great stupidity a loud wail emits 

There is plenty to fear! The tripping of your feet is your fault! Why can't you pass a test? You've got a stinky armpit 

You can't change what will become! You are just too stubborn, tears and wails you know too well! 

Anyways, you've got a stinky armpit. 

ANNOUNCER V.O.: On the next Pathetic "Soldier" Sailormoon! 

PLUTO V.O.: ... 

[blank screen] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... 

[blank screen] 

PLUTO V.O.: Co-ed sleepover with the Amazon Trio? 

[clips of the SENSHI and the TRIO at Hikawa Shrine] 

PLUTO V.O.: ... We didn't really have anything else planned. What a pathetic way to finish this episode... Bye. 

[logo flashes] 

********************************************************************** 

LOTS OF USELESS ADDITIONAL AUTHOR'S NOTES: 

The list of movies at the theater are references to: Lethal Weapon 4 (which I haven't seen and probably never will) Speed 2 (also haven't seen and _definitely_ never will) Robin Hood: Men in Tights (seen maybe 20 minutes of it) Star Trek movies... the numbers keep going on and on ^_^;;; Hope Floats (it SUCKED!!! SUCKED!!! How can people watch that junk???) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (GREAT!! John Cleese!! YEAH!!) And the last one is _obviously_ made up. I doubt anyone is stupid enough to have a movie with that sort of title. 

Just because I feel like noting this... I went to see Cruel Intentions on the opening night, and when Ryan Phillipe appeared, pretty much all the girls screamed VERY loudly... so yes, that behavior does happen at movies. 

Ami's technobabble is a bunch of junk. Sounds interesting, but it really doesn't make any sense... a lot of that is made up nonsense -.- ;; 

"An empty stomach is not a good political advisor." -- A fortune cookie my mom got. She always gets stupid fortunes. I'm not kidding. She'll hesitate to take a cookie and give it to someone else, and sure enough, it was a stupid fortune. I don't know why my mom always gets them... And Happy Birthday, Mom! (July 18) 

I think Ricky Martin's "La Copa De La Vida" is really cool, okay? "The Cup Of Life," whatever. It's more fun to say it in Spanish ^_^ 

Though I know he isn't going to read this, I just want to say that I hope my dad recovers soon from his surgery... Want to know something interesting? Ok, he had his gall bladder removed... And get this, the surgeon said, "That really had to come out, it was gross." Now, if a surgeon says that, you know it was nasty o_O Poor Dad. 

And finally, a quote from me: "Everyone's insane in their own little way!" ... Boy did THAT freak out my Science teacher when I first said it! 

So, you can go away now. Really. Find something else to read. Watch t.v. Rent a movie. Pick your nose. C'mon, go away. Now. Please? That's good, click the "X" in the upper right corner... CLICK IT. There you go. Farewell. 


	3. Lyrics

PATHETIC "SOLDIER" SAILORMOON - LYRICS 

***************************************** 

SAILORMOON SONGS 

***************************************** 

Moonlight Densetsu - Pasosamo version as sung by Usagi 

----------------------------------------- 

I'm sorry, but I can't stop whining If I were to stop it would be a dream Before my brain cells are more shorted I wish to wail more now 

It seems to be crying, the moonlight Since I won't shutup till midnight I do not know what to do about my stupidness What the hell is a kaleidascope? 

I'm tripping and falling on my face I'm going to start crying again You don't need Rei's powers to predict That my life will always suck How could I not cry?, a miracle I'm still around, a miracle I'm still around 

***************************************** 

Otome no Porishii - Pasosamo version as sung by Usagi 

----------------------------------------- 

Whatever the pinch you're in, just give into despair. That is my Lame-O Policy. 

You'll always stumble over the truth and take the plunge of falling headfirst when you trip like an idiot 

In the depths of your great stupidity a loud wail emits 

There is plenty to fear! The tripping of your feet is your fault! Why can't you pass a test? You've got a stinky armpit 

You can't change what will become! You are just too stubborn, tears and wails you know too well! 

Anyways, you've got a stinky armpit. 

***************************************** 

Sailor Star Song - Pasosamo version as sung by Usagi 

----------------------------------------- 

So defeatable! For tomorrow, an English test! I'll fail! Yet again! I am lame You can hear me cry anywhere in the galaxy. 

Because I cry and wail unendingly, An unending journey to escape me persists. 

My teeth yellowed with stains, because I don't know how to brush Is it any wonder that people can't stand it when I open my mouth? 

My limbs tremble from collapsing yet again. No matter how easy it is, I will continue to somehow screw up. 

Don't grieve, you're not as stupid as me! I envy you, I'm such an idiot! This song is really silly. 

So defeatable! For tomorrow, an English test! I will fail! I won't pass this grade! I am lame! Falling over on my face. 

***************************************** 

Ai no Senshi - Pasosamo version as sung by Usagi 

----------------------------------------- 

The food is burning on the stove The body is just like flab Whatever!, my face is nasty Truly, this finally happens again As it is, we hate and are apart And yet, I want to eat a nice meal I won't allow evil to stop it! 

I know that I have to do what I must I will waste food with a bite from this mouth Definitely, until then I'll still give up Awaken, lame soldier! 

Whatever!, food is my love, believe what you eat I will use him to pay for the bill When I want to protect you, I will trip by your side Food is not eaten for energy 

We have to do what we must Let me give the waiter my long order Whatever it is, I will give up The Soldier of Pudge will arrive in my heart 

We have to do what we must I will waste food with a bite from this mouth Definitely, until then I'll still give up Awaken, Soldier of Pudge! 

***************************************** 

Moon Revenge - Pasosamo version as sung by the Inner Senshi 

----------------------------------------- 

Grasping tightly onto the remote you found in the couch at last You cannot rest, not sleeping. 

Laying a Hershey's Kiss in your open mouth... I left you behind in the Supermarket of Time. 

(USAGI) Love will not live if your boyfriend's a jerk And if desire should possess him then a hollow shell he becomes, but still 

If that's what you want, then please pay me That kiss is an ugly tattoo... ...A tattoo that must be removed with laser surgery. 

One look, and I'll know In the shape of your lips, this tattoo sucks... ...you can't hide it It's Moon Revenge, ewww... 

(AMI) Modems dial in to computers even when light becomes darkness... The signal goes through, and will not falter. 

(REI) I burn because my fire went out of control But I still wish the next victim in my life could be you again. 

(MAKOTO) The darker the chocolate, greater is the greed. Even wanting to unwrap every piece ever made... ...It's impossible, but still. 

(MINAKO) On the scale I stand, my weight climbs toward the top. The memory of a diet is a poisonous tattoo... 

...A tattoo that shows the chaos of the furniture With the two of us fighting... The tattoo will suck if it looks like your lips, mirrors break and shatter... ...You should just stop holding me. 

If that's what you want, then come pay me That kiss is an ugly tattoo A tattoo that must be removed with laser surgery One look, and I'll know... In the shape of your lips, this tattoo sucks... ...You can't hide it. It's Moon Revenge, ewww... 

***************************************** 

Sailor War - Pasosamo version as sung by the Sailor Losers 

----------------------------------------- 

Before that black eyeshadow spills If we don't hurry, we'll be too late The flames of hate and they are seriously dumb Let's not risk our lives, we can't win 

Because we don't care about the end of the world blow bubbles in gum when it is time for the fight We don't want to go and we don't want to die so we will allow merciless cruelty 

This promise of the four of us, change the channel and make our four cars drive 

Both our dreams and memories are unfinished but when the time to leave came, we didn't understand... 

We won't protect any sort of people this way Don't give us a book when it is time for the fight Because we don't care about the end of the world blow bubbles in gum when it is time for the fight When it is time for the fight 

Sailor Bore! Sailor Bore! 

***************************************** 

AMERICAN SONGS 

***************************************** 

My Heart Will Go On = My Plot Will Go On 

----------------------------------------- 

Every night when I type I read you, edit you That is how I know you go on. 

Far across the compy backspaces shared by us I sit here and see you go on. 

Scrolling far, a long file you are I believe that the plot does go on In a while, I open the file And you're here, my dear plot, and my plot will go on and on. 

Fame can touch us one time and last for a lifetime Never let go till the file's gone. 

Fun was when I wrote you, you're a story to hold onto If I type you'll always go on. 

Scrolling far, a long file you are I believe that the plot does go on In a while, I open the file And you're here, my dear plot, and my plot will go on and on. 

Type with speed, ideas are what I need I know that my plot will go on. I'll write, there's boredom fight A file saved in my heart, yes, my plot will go on and on. 

***************************************** 

Salvation = Fanfiction 

----------------------------------------- 

To all those fans reading stories now, just read it, just read it. Read faster, enjoy the story, it's free, it's free. 

You've got dark circles under your eyes, just read it, just read it. C'mon you got got got to read. You know you got got got to read. 

Fanfiction, fanfiction, fanfiction is free. Fanfiction, fanfiction, fanfiction is free. 

To all otaku with sleepless nights, (sleepless nights) Download more fics right now, don't have a cow. 

You've got dark circles under your eyes, just read it, just read it. C'mon you got got got to read. You know you got got got to read. 

Fanfiction, fanfiction, fanfiction is free. Fanfiction, fanfiction, fanfiction is free. 

Fanfiction, fanfiction, fanfiction is free. Fanfiction, fanfiction, fanfiction is free. 

***************************************** 

Paint It Black = Write A Fanfic 

----------------------------------------- 

I watch anime and I want to write a fanfic Not dreaming anymore I want to write a fanfic I see girls walk by dressed in sailor uniforms I have to start typing once the idea forms 

Read a manga and knew I must write a fanfic So many ideas, just one at a time I pick I know people open them and start scrolling away I can't help it, I have to write one ev'ry day 

I look into my mind and it's one big fanfic My walls are decorated with people from my fanfic I know I'll always write, it'll never make me sick I don't wanna go outside cuz my whole world is fanfic 

No more will my ideas stay inside my head I must type them up, who knows when I'll be dead 

If I type fast enough I can post this story today People laugh at me, I wish this "job" would pay 

I watch anime and I want to write a fanfic Not dreaming anymore I want to write a fanfic I see girls walk by dressed in sailor uniforms I have to start typing once the idea forms 

Hmm, hmm, hmm,... 

I wanna write, write a fanfic Up all night, I must write I wanna stay up for hours to type I wanna write, write, write fanfic Yeah! 

***************************************** 

November Rain = Write A Story 

----------------------------------------- 

When I've been typing awhile My fingers numb with pain But if I don't finish I know I'll go insane 

'Cause nothin' is saved forever My computer drives me crazy It would suck if you're deleted I must write a story 

I've been typing for such a long long time Just tryin' to tell my story 

But fanfics always come and fanfics always go And no one's really sure who's readin' it today Readin' away 

If I just had more time I could finish one more line I could rest my head Knowin' this fic is mine All mine 

If I want it to be good I must write thoroughly Or it won't be popular I must write a story 

I gotta write this...on my own I gotta write this...all alone Everybody needs to write...on their own Don't you know I need to write...all alone 

I know it's hard to write a fanfic When you even your computer seems against you But if you could write a fanfic You'd bring more friends to you 

I gotta write some more...on my own I gotta write some more...all alone Everybody needs to write... on their own Don't you know I need to write...all alone 

And when the fic is done Just posting it remains I know that I'll be happy And my fanfic is to blame Even though it took awhile I finished it finally 'Cause writing takes forever 'Specially writin' a story 

Don't ya think you need to write a story Don't ya think you need to write fanfics Everybody needs to write I'm not the only one I'm not the only one 

***************************************** 

Moonlight Legend = Fanfic Legend 

----------------------------------------- 

I'm sorry, but I can't talk right now I gotta finish writing fanfics Before the computer wires are shorted I wish to type this up right now 

She seems to be crying, my mother Since I spend more time with my moniter I do not know what to do with the storyline My head's swirling like a kaleidascope 

The Windows Explorer will guide me So that I can type fanfics again I got so many crazy ideas I've written so many before, I must write a great one now, a miracle fanfic, a miracle fanfic 

***************************************** 

Bohemian Rhapsody = Writer's Rhapsody 

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Is this a real life? Is this just fanfiction? Caught in a deletion, No escape from writing. Open your eyes, turn on the computer and see, I'm just an author, I need no sympathy, Because I'm easy write, easy not, little file, big file, The file type it saves in really matters to me, to me. 

I just wrote a fic, Put my fingers on the keys, started typing, now it's done. Fanfic, I had just begun, But now I've gone and posted it online. Fanfic, ooh, didn't want to edit you, If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, Carry on, carry on like the story doesn't matter. 

Too late, posting time comes, Eyes squinting tiny, fingers aching all the time. Goodbye, ev'rybody, I've got to write, Gotta leave you all behind and write the fic. Fanfic, ooh, I don't want to post, I sometimes wish I'd never written at all. 

I see a sorry little excuse of a fic, Pitiful, Pitiful, I will write one much better. Computer crashing now, very, very fright'ning me. (Fa-anfiction.) Fa-anfiction. (Fa-anfiction.) Fa-anfiction, Fa-anfiction to post. Yo ho ho ho. I'm just an author, no one understands me. She's just an author working at her compy, Spare her from an accidental delete. Easy write, easy post, which server will host? Urusai! No, we will not let you post. (Let her post!) Urusai! We will not let you post. (Let her post!) Urasai! We will not let you post. (Let me post.) Will not let you post. (Let me post.) Will not let you post. (Let me post.) Ah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (Oh fa-anfiction, fa-anfiction.) Fa-anfiction, I must post. A webhost has some space put aside for me, for me, for me. 

So you think you can refuse and delete my file. So you think you won't post it, leave the compy to fry. Oh, hey-ey, you must post the fic, hey-ey, Just gotta post it, just gotta post it right now. 

Fanfics are important, Anyone can see, Fanfics are important, Fanfics are important, to me. 

Any way the fic posts. 

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Stairway to Heaven = Epic Fanfiction 

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There's a lady who's sure All shows make good fics And she's writing an epic fanfiction. When she's finished she knows If the sites are all closed With a word she can post it anyways. Ooh, ooh, and she's posting an epic fanfiction. 

There's an error message But she wants to be sure 'Cause you know errors can have no meaning. On her compy desktop she has her folder ready, Sometimes all of her works aren't organized. Ooh, it makes me read more, Ooh, it makes me read more. 

There's a feeling I get When I write a fanfic, And my spirit is crying for typing. In my thoughts I have seen Ideas for more stories, And the thoughts of those who are reading. Ooh, it makes me read more, Ooh, it really makes me read more. 

And it's whispered that soon If we hear midi tunes Then the siteowner will let us download. And a new fic will dawn For those who read long And the rooms will echo with laughter. 

If there's an alert message while you type Just be alarmed now, Cuz it's an error understood by a geek. Yes, there are two plots you can go by But in the long run There's time to change what storyline you're on. And it makes me read more. 

Your compy is humming and it won't go In case you don't know, The author's calling you to read fics, Dear lady, can you picture the snow, And did you know The fanfiction is based on a dream. 

And as we write a few more words Pourings ideas from our soul. We write a story, doncha know That captures the greatness of the show You know you must write a fanfic. And if you write diligently The fic will be complete at last. When fics are heaven and heaven is fics To be writer and not reader. 

And she's writing an epic fanfiction. 

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Your Woman = Write a Fanfic 

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Just let me read what you've posted right here I've been waiting for so long for an update It comes as no surprise at all you see So stop delaying and let me read the fic 

Now I read your fic, read the story You don't even know how good it is So much for being just another author Too modest to know your fics are so great Girl you can write a fanfic 

Well I guess what I read is true I could never be as great a writer as you I could never write a fanfic I could never write a fanfic I could never write a fanfic I could never write a fanfic 

When I read another fic yesterday I knew that I hated it from the start When compared to yours it was very lame You always write from the heart 

And you're such a great fanfic writer Now I think I finally understand Is it in your genes? I don't know But I'm quite jealous, that's for sure Hey, how can you write this great? 

Well I guess I read is true I could never be as great a writer as you I could never write a fanfic I could never write a fanfic I could never write a fanfic I could never write a fanfic 

Well I guess what I read is true I could never hope to write fanfiction like you I could never write a fanfic. 

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Push It = Save It 

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I stayed up late to type you I'm working on you still I can try to finish sooner If the computer cooperates 

Gotta type more words (gotta type more words) I need to write Gotta type more words (gotta type more words) Stay up all night 

Chorus: This is the fic that keeps me awake I must type more though my fingers ache Save it (hit the keyboard harder) Save it (hit the keyboard harder) 

I must add more to you I really don't know why I want to see you finished I want to see you shine 

Gotta type more words (gotta type more words) Must save this right Gotta type more words (gotta type more words) Write late into the night 

Chorus 

Come on write it you can do it (4x) 

Gotta type more words (gotta type more words) Must save this right Gotta type more words (gotta type more words) Write late into the night 

Chorus (3x) 

Gotta type more words (gotta type more words) Stay up all night Gotta type more words (gotta type more words) Stay up all night 

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spark = fic 

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she's writing a long fanfiction she's writing a long fanfiction she's staying up way past dark 3 AM do you know where the fic's saved here here here she's convinced she could write a long one but she couldn't quite stay up to type doubting if she'll ever finish the fic here you say you won't write it again and again but you don't don't really mean it you say you won't write it the fic you're writing but you don't you don't really mean it you don't don't really mean it if the outline is editted to perfection maybe next you'll give epics a try trusting my file to the insane computer here you say you won't write it again and again but you don't don't really mean it you say you won't write it the fic you're writing but you don't you don't really mean it you don't don't really mean it how you stay up late all the time other authors that have fics that you can't define you thought that you wrote the best yeah well so did I say you won't write it say you won't write it say you won't write it again and again but you don't really mean it say you won't write it the fic you're writing but you don't you don't really mean it you don't don't really mean it she's writing a long fanfiction she's staying up way past dark 3 AM do you know where the fic's saved here 

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The End Is The Beginning Is The End = The Fic Is A Story Is A Fic ----------------------------------------- 

I'm gonna stay up Until I finish this I must work so I can write again And now I'm typing now My compy's saving wow I will write down these ideas my mind pretends Till I collapse from this 

Are you writing right now Has the story changed Does it make you happy it's so strange And in your darkest fanfic, people burn in flame You can tell stories of love and of pain Strange 

Write happy ones too The compy saves for you Turn on the lights so you won't go blind For I can't wait more for You to open the drive door Those wanting it done now will be avenged To read the end 

Are you writing right now Has the story changed Does it make you happy it's so strange And in your darkest fanfic, people burn in flame You can tell stories of love and of pain 

The fanfics sent out to us The confused plots disastrous We hope good ones come from you You will have the perfect cast 

Are you writing right now Has the story changed Does it make you happy it's so strange And in your darkest fanfic, people burn in flame You can tell stories of love and of pain Strange Strange The fic is a story is a fic 

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